Estrangement &
Family Dynamics

Life doesn't always go as we plan or hope. Kids don't always feel like they got the parent they wanted, just like parents didn't get the child they would have liked to, yet the parent will love whoever they got, deeply, unconditionally, and eternally.

The child has the same human connection seared into their soul, but life happens, shit happens, and despite our best intentions, sometimes kids make the heart-wrenching choice of going "no contact" with a parent, or both.

This is how I learned & healed. I hope you find some inspiration in these pages, and I hope that, as we find the courage to talk about it more and more, the unfair, brutally cruel stigma disappears.

Dear reader

“Deconstructing Parental Estrangement: The Helter-Skelter Trend That Deconstructs Lives" is the pillar article in a series of articles on Parental Estrangement (some published, some on their way). You may want to read the others first, or it may feel right to read the overview and conclusions first.

When Lewis Carroll’s Alice headed off to Wonderland, she found many rabbit holes on her journey, some more enlightening than others. But when she finally found her way home, she realized that she had the answer all along. It was within.

So, read the main article first, and explore whichever rabbit hole link draws you in, resonates with something within you. Or take a peek down a few rabbit holes on the Parental Estrangement Page to see if this is the journey you want. Then read the end, unless you found something- a better path, in the process of reading. It matters not. Healing is what does matter.

And what especially matters is that you, like Alice, find the answers that are within you. Perhaps you just need a gentle reminder or two, a hint of where to look for healing and meaning. Or a slight nudge in the right direction.

Whatever you decide, we hope we can play a small part in your search for healing and happiness, and hope even more that you will find these sometimes elusive things. Soon.

If you need help or find yourself in a crisis, seek out help. People can be awful, but I've found that people can also be beautiful —and it was the people who walked alongside me through my journey who helped me find my way. Not everyone is a critic.

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Ways To Heal From Estrangement As A Parent

Likely, the skills you learn along the way and the emotional growth will mean that if and when your child reconnects, you are best placed not to mess it up. But it's best not to make that your goal. Look within for you. For you. For your better, happier life.

Why My Children Rejected Me

Losing a child who has passed is devastating, something one can never fully recover from. But when a living child is as unreachable as one no longer in this realm, the grief is the same, except the confusion over how it happened heightens the grief. Added to this is the shamefully undeserved shame society spews at them. Yet still, hope keeps them going, but soon becomes a barrier to being able to grieve and pick up the pieces of their lives.

Deconstructing Parental Estrangement: The Helter-Skelter Trend That Deconstructs Lives

The Helter Skelter scenario is an apocalyptic vision reportedly embraced by serial killer and cult leader Charles Manson and members of...

Kinkeeper Reapers: The Heartbroken Houses Of Svengali Spouses & Louses

A kinkeeper- the gatekeeper to the family, is a family member, usually, but not always, a woman, who takes on the role of maintaining...

Emotional Gold Diggers: Lion-hearts Who Dig Anywhere But Within For Emotions

Men, particularly lion-hearted men, tend to disown their emotions, and the emotions of others, or at least assign them significantly less prominence than say putting food on the table- including their quest to earn a good living in their career or business, which, some think will be key to getting to be the one to copulate with the lioness, but also to give their families a better life.

Rebuilding Your Life After Kids Go No Contact: Therapy For Estranged Parents

For if and when your estranged child decides to walk through your door, keep it open. Your grown-up child will find a way to return when they are ready. But no parent will want to turn it into a blame session, even if there is a good reason to. Throwing your pain back at 'the source' is unproductive and will send them running.

Trauma destroys everything in its path, including life as the victim knew it. But trauma is also an opportunity to learn, to grow, to heal, and to make a new life and make it spectacularly amazing.

Rebuilding Your Life: How To Build A New Life After Trauma Takes The Old One

We all know our value, although it is sometimes hidden under layers of fear and pain. We all have something to give the world, something meaningful: ourselves. And this value may be where we can finally learn why we are deserving of all the blessings and happiness life has to offer.

Demagnetizing Your Emotional Punchbag Allure

Take that "kick me" sign down, demagnetize the undeserved abuse, and go forward into a better, happier life using your magnetic personality- your kindness tempered by tolerance, your caring balanced with care for yourself.

Cutting A Narcissistic Parent Out Your Life

But I didn’t escape that life by cutting her off. I escaped by finding my real identity. It was within me all along, and despite everything, my mother is still an intrinsic part of me, despite having left this realm.

The Human Connection: The Alpha And Omega Of The Human Condition

It also makes sense that we are subconsciously driven by the human desire to connect with others- perhaps the human soul's desire is to attempt to return to oneness, to the one single cell with a particular place in the cosmos. So we reach out to other humans to connect with them for a while, before fears and tears drive us apart again, despite having a genetic link to every other human, and every other life form on Earth.

Mother & Adult Children In Parental Isolation: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

An adult child might feel that they lose themselves in the relationship, and don't return for fear of being drawn back into painful dynamics with their mother, or, in some cases, feel too guilty to face their mothers and are unable to get out of the corner they painted themselves into. The mother, who may then be dealing with depression and other issues, deals with any reconciliation attempts clumsily and may also be experiencing guilt and sitting in her unpainted corner.

The Unfathomably Inhuman Act Of Dehumanizing A Human Family Member

Once limited to being an essential weapon for narcissists and psychopaths, dehumanization has seeped into many facets of life, as people...

Has Therapy For Parental Estrangement Contributed to its Surge?

Parents, mothers in particular, are left reeling by parental estrangement, not only by the rejection, but by the confusion. How did this happen? Many only get to hear through the grapevine, or through angry confrontations, of some or other terrible misdeed they are accused of, that either never happened, never happened the way it was described, or is based on a series of debilitating circumstances or events in the life of the parent, with many fabricated frills bolstering the

propaganda in families is a destructive force

Propaganda Wreaks Havoc In Families: How F**kheads & Flying Monkeys Destroy Their Family To Get Their Own Sweet Way

Propaganda, the spread of vicious lies with the very specific intent of creating a particular narrative in the short term to grab power...

Children’s Rights & Expectations vs The Corresponding Children’s Responsibilities

Every single child deserves to be treated with dignity. It's their absolute human right. But as a human who enjoys rights, some duties limit these rights, although these duties only emerge as they age.

Core values are key to finding your life path

The Life-Changing Value Of Owning Your Core Values

Values, the principles by which we live, come in all forms, but the value of terminal values —that include happiness and inner peace —is at the core of who we are, and can redirect our fate. What Are Values? The word “value” also has many meanings- each equally valuable: Value: The regard that something is held to deserve, or the importance, worth, or usefulness of something. Something of value has merit or worth. Value: The principles or standards of behaviour based on that

Will The Real Me Generation Please Stand Up: How The Greatest Generation Morphed Into Millennials

Over millions of years, humans evolved from a single cell. Yet, the yearning to return to that one cell- the singular "me" remains a...

Anticipation and the Optimism of Hope

Utter hopelessness feels like you are in a dark cocoon of nothingness, with no way out. All the best advice in the world seems meaningless a

What Goes Into Gezinta

Gezinta is about healing and finding meaning in your life. To take trauma and turn it into something meaningful and positive.

Self-Awareness Picks You Up When People Break You Down

Yet we often feel empty, and unfulfilled when we look inside ourselves. Struggling to align our actions, thoughts, or emotions with values

FAQ: Parental Estrangement Frequently Asked Questions

What does estrangement mean in a family context?

Family estrangement is the physical and emotional distancing between at least two family members, usually as a result of a long history of a negative relationship or significant conflicts, although it often happens that the person who leaves holds grudges anger that are unseen, and not discussed, for various reasons. One or more person intentionally reduces or cuts off contact, generally for what they see as their well-being.

What are the key characteristics of estrangement?

Emotional and physical distancing, usually with a complete cessation of all communication and physical presence (known as "no contact"). It is an intentional, voluntary, and conscious choice made by a family members to protect their safety and emotional or mental health from a harmful situation. One person usually initiates the break, while the other might be "blindsided." Estrangement can be temporary or permanent.

What are common causes of parental estrangement?

Abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), neglect or betrayal
Traumatic family events, including divorce or separation
Mental health problems,
Substance abuse by either the parent or the child
Clashing values or expectations.
Lack of support, financial or emotional
Poor communication leaving unresolved issues
Influence of others, particularly a partner of the adult child, who may be tempted to exploit existing tensions to their own advantage.
Unhealthy therapy that teaches division rather than problem-solving, emotional intelligence, conflict resolution or interpersonal skills.

What role do adult children’s spouses play in parental estrangement?

Adult children's spouses often play a significant role in parental estrangement, whether it be as the source of conflict or to act as a supportive third party. Clashing values and conflicting loyalty demands within the extended family system are often key as the he adult child may feel pressure to balance loyalties between their partner and their family of origin.

From the adult child’s perspective, the spouse is their partner in their primary family unit, and loyalty to the partner is crucial for the marriage's health. Where compromises cannot be reached, estranged parents would be well advised to examine whether their adult child's spouse is a convenient external factor to blame, and look at their own potential role in the estrangement. It’s often a case of “it takes two to tango.”

But it also takes two to tango together to define new boundaries and expectations. Assigning blame is seldom a productive strategy.

Is parental estrangement always permanent?

No, parental estrangement can be permanent or temporary.

How long do adult children usually go no contact with parents?

The length of estrangement is different for every family and can depend on individual circumstances and efforts to reconcile. Adult children going no contact with their parents usually stay no contact for about nine years on average, over seven years with with fathers and over five years with mothers.

It’s key to reconciliation to keep in mind that both the adult child and the parent may no longer be quite the same as when the estrangement started. Hopefully, both have learned new life and emotional intelligence, but the parent is especially at risk during reconciliation, having likely spent years frozen in grief and confusion before finding healthy ways to communicate and resolve conflict effectively.

Suggested reading: Ways To Heal From Estrangement As A Parent

Estrangement & Family Dynamics