Estrangement &
Family Dynamics

Life doesn't always go as we plan or hope. Kids don't always feel like they got the parent they wanted, just like parents didn't get the child they would have liked to, yet the parent will love whoever they got, deeply, unconditionally, and eternally.

The child has the same human connection seared into their soul, but life happens, shit happens, and despite our best intentions, sometimes kids make the heart-wrenching choice of going "no contact" with a parent, or both.

This is how I learned & healed. I hope you find some inspiration in these pages, and I hope that, as we find the courage to talk about it more and more, the unfair, brutally cruel stigma disappears.

The deeply troubling epidemic the world is grappling with

Anchor 1

Dear reader

“Deconstructing Parental Estrangement: The Helter-Skelter Trend That Deconstructs Lives" is the pillar article in a series of articles on Parental Estrangement (some published, some on their way). You may want to read the others first, or it may feel right to read the overview and conclusions first.

When Lewis Carroll’s Alice headed off to Wonderland, she found many rabbit holes on her journey, some more enlightening than others. But when she finally found her way home, she realized that she had the answer all along. It was within.

So, read the main article first, and explore whichever rabbit hole link draws you in, resonates with something within you. Or take a peek down a few rabbit holes on the Parental Estrangement Page to see if this is the journey you want. Then read the end, unless you found something- a better path, in the process of reading. It matters not. Healing is what does matter.

And what especially matters is that you, like Alice, find the answers that are within you. Perhaps you just need a gentle reminder or two, a hint of where to look for healing and meaning. Or a slight nudge in the right direction.

Whatever you decide, we hope we can play a small part in your search for healing and happiness, and hope even more that you will find these sometimes elusive things. Soon.

If you need help or find yourself in a crisis, seek out help. People can be awful, but I've found that people can also be beautiful —and it was the people who walked alongside me through my journey who helped me find my way. Not everyone is a critic.

Jump to list of articles

Jump to FAQ

Oprah on parental estrangement is a controversial podcast attracting negative attention from estranged parents who find it offensive that the person who encouraged their children to cut off their parents for years is now leveraging the deep pain of estranged parents on a new platform. Is this just an extension of the sensationalized deeply personal content on vulnerable people aired on the Oprah Show for years?

Oprah On Parental Estrangement: Is She Capitalizing On The Problem She Created?

I’m an estranged parent and was once a huge Oprah fan. Do I regret letting my kids watch the Oprah show with me? Absolutely! Yet Oprah has a new, again monetized platform on a trendy subject. Would I trust what she has to say? Absolutely not! Those who eventually know better do better.

Ways To Heal From Estrangement As A Parent

Likely, the skills you learn along the way and the emotional growth will mean that if and when your child reconnects, you are best placed not to mess it up. But it's best not to make that your goal. Look within for you. For you. For your better, happier life.

Why My Children Rejected Me

Losing a child who has passed is devastating, something one can never fully recover from. But when a living child is as unreachable as one no longer in this realm, the grief is the same, except the confusion over how it happened heightens the grief. Added to this is the shamefully undeserved shame society spews at them. Yet still, hope keeps them going, but soon becomes a barrier to being able to grieve and pick up the pieces of their lives.

Deconstructing Parental Estrangement: The Helter-Skelter Trend That Deconstructs Lives

The Helter Skelter scenario is an apocalyptic vision reportedly embraced by serial killer and cult leader Charles Manson and members of his "family" that led to several brutal murders and a multitude of ruined lives. It's much the same with Parental Estrangement. Except that with the Parental Estrangement scenario within families, the bodies are not physically dead, but the nothingness that is left within can feel like it, until we find ourselves on a healing path, make sens

Kinkeeper Reapers: The Heartbroken Houses Of Svengali Spouses & Louses

A kinkeeper- the gatekeeper to the family, is a family member, usually, but not always, a woman, who takes on the role of maintaining family connections and fostering a sense of solidarity within the family circle. Authentic kinkeepers play a key role in keeping the family together, acting as the emotional glue that holds things humming along despite family tensions that rise from time to time. It's a vital role in a world where connection with family is weakening, and ment

Emotional Gold Diggers: Lion-hearts Who Dig Anywhere But Within For Emotions

Men, particularly lion-hearted men, tend to disown their emotions, and the emotions of others, or at least assign them significantly less prominence than say putting food on the table- including their quest to earn a good living in their career or business, which, some think will be key to getting to be the one to copulate with the lioness, but also to give their families a better life.

Rebuilding Your Life After Kids Go No Contact: Therapy For Estranged Parents

For if and when your estranged child decides to walk through your door, keep it open. Your grown-up child will find a way to return when they are ready. But no parent will want to turn it into a blame session, even if there is a good reason to. Throwing your pain back at 'the source' is unproductive and will send them running.

Trauma destroys everything in its path, including life as the victim knew it. But trauma is also an opportunity to learn, to grow, to heal, and to make a new life and make it spectacularly amazing.

Rebuilding Your Life: How To Build A New Life After Trauma Takes The Old One

We all know our value, although it is sometimes hidden under layers of fear and pain. We all have something to give the world, something meaningful: ourselves. And this value may be where we can finally learn why we are deserving of all the blessings and happiness life has to offer.

Demagnetizing Your Emotional Punchbag Allure

Take that "kick me" sign down, demagnetize the undeserved abuse, and go forward into a better, happier life using your magnetic personality- your kindness tempered by tolerance, your caring balanced with care for yourself.

Cutting A Narcissistic Parent Out Your Life

But I didn’t escape that life by cutting her off. I escaped by finding my real identity. It was within me all along, and despite everything, my mother is still an intrinsic part of me, despite having left this realm.

The Human Connection: The Alpha And Omega Of The Human Condition

It also makes sense that we are subconsciously driven by the human desire to connect with others- perhaps the human soul's desire is to attempt to return to oneness, to the one single cell with a particular place in the cosmos. So we reach out to other humans to connect with them for a while, before fears and tears drive us apart again, despite having a genetic link to every other human, and every other life form on Earth.

Mother & Adult Children In Parental Isolation: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave

An adult child might feel that they lose themselves in the relationship, and don't return for fear of being drawn back into painful dynamics with their mother, or, in some cases, feel too guilty to face their mothers and are unable to get out of the corner they painted themselves into. The mother, who may then be dealing with depression and other issues, deals with any reconciliation attempts clumsily and may also be experiencing guilt and sitting in her unpainted corner.

The Unfathomably Inhuman Act Of Dehumanizing A Human Family Member

Once limited to being an essential weapon for narcissists and psychopaths, dehumanization has seeped into many facets of life, as people struggle to survive and strive to thrive. Too many people choo se to dehumanize those around them as a response to conflicting motives, denying full humanity in others, cruelly inflicting suffering . The so-called personal growth through the generations has shifted from the stoic “Greatest Generation’s” selflessness and willingness to sacr

Has Therapy For Parental Estrangement Contributed to its Surge?

Parents, mothers in particular, are left reeling by parental estrangement, not only by the rejection, but by the confusion. How did this happen? Many only get to hear through the grapevine, or through angry confrontations, of some or other terrible misdeed they are accused of, that either never happened, never happened the way it was described, or is based on a series of debilitating circumstances or events in the life of the parent, with many fabricated frills bolstering the

propaganda in families is a destructive force

Propaganda Wreaks Havoc In Families: How F**kheads & Flying Monkeys Destroy Their Family To Get Their Own Sweet Way

Propaganda, the spread of vicious lies with the very specific intent of creating a particular narrative in the short term to grab power and resources in the medium to long term, isn't limited to Nazis. While they may have almost perfected the dark, destructive art of propaganda that has been prevalent throughout history, most political parties now spew propaganda as a matter of course. Many governments, particularly authoritarian ones , do so as a matter of course. So do narc

Children’s Rights & Expectations vs The Corresponding Children’s Responsibilities

Every single child deserves to be treated with dignity. It's their absolute human right. But as a human who enjoys rights, some duties limit these rights, although these duties only emerge as they age.

Core values are key to finding your life path

The Life-Changing Value Of Owning Your Core Values

Values, the principles by which we live, come in all forms, but the value of terminal values —that include happiness and inner peace —is at the core of who we are, and can redirect our fate. What Are Values? The word “value” also has many meanings- each equally valuable: Value: The regard that something is held to deserve, or the importance, worth, or usefulness of something. Something of value has merit or worth. Value: The principles or standards of behaviour based on that

Will The Real Me Generation Please Stand Up: How The Greatest Generation Morphed Into Millennials

Over millions of years, humans evolved from a single cell. Then, over a relatively short span of time, the "Greatest Generation," who built lives around a value system, and were renowned for their stoicism, selflessness, and willingness to sacrifice for the greater good (but left out large part of the global population), morphed into the tech-savvy Gen Z, who value diversity and inclusivity, with a strong sense of social justice, yet many "me." build their personal ecosystem

Anticipation and the Optimism of Hope

Utter hopelessness feels like you are in a dark cocoon of nothingness, with no way out. All the best advice in the world seems meaningless a

What Goes Into Gezinta

Gezinta is about healing and finding meaning in your life. To take trauma and turn it into something meaningful and positive.

Self-Awareness Picks You Up When People Break You Down

Yet we often feel empty, and unfulfilled when we look inside ourselves. Struggling to align our actions, thoughts, or emotions with values

Anchor 2

To Meaning & Existentialism Hub: "Rebuilding identity after relational betrayal"

FAQ: Parental Estrangement Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What does estrangement mean in a family context?

A: Family estrangement is the physical and emotional distancing between at least two family members, usually as a result of a long history of a negative relationship or significant conflicts, although it often happens that the person who leaves holds grudges anger that are unseen, and not discussed, for various reasons. One or more person intentionally reduces or cuts off contact, generally for what they see as their well-being.

For a more detailed description of parental estrangement, read Deconstructing Parental Estrangement: The Helter-Skelter Trend That Deconstructs Lives

Q: What are the key characteristics of estrangement?

A: Emotional and physical distancing, usually with a complete cessation of all communication and physical presence (known as "no contact"). It is an intentional, voluntary, and conscious choice made by a family members to protect their safety and emotional or mental health from a harmful situation. One person usually initiates the break, while the other might be "blindsided." Estrangement can be temporary or permanent.

Some of the key characteristics are:

A difference in values
The difficulties in breaking the remaining emotional link- see Mothers' & Adult Children In Parental Estrangement Entanglements: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave
Perception differences between different generations

Q: What are common causes of parental estrangement?

Abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), neglect or betrayal
Traumatic family events, including divorce or separation
Mental health problems,
Substance abuse by either the parent or the child
Clashing values or expectations.
Lack of support, financial or emotional
Poor communication leaving unresolved issues
Influence of others, particularly a partner of the adult child, who may be tempted to exploit existing tensions to their own advantage.
Unhealthy therapy that teaches division rather than problem-solving, emotional intelligence, conflict resolution or interpersonal skills.

Q: What role do adult children’s spouses play in parental estrangement?

A: Adult children's spouses often play a significant role in parental estrangement, whether it be as the source of conflict or to act as a supportive third party. Clashing values and conflicting loyalty demands within the extended family system are often key as the he adult child may feel pressure to balance loyalties between their partner and their family of origin.

From the adult child’s perspective, the spouse is their partner in their primary family unit, and loyalty to the partner is crucial for the marriage's health. Where compromises cannot be reached, estranged parents would be well advised to examine whether their adult child's spouse is a convenient external factor to blame, and look at their own potential role in the estrangement. It’s often a case of “it takes two to tango.”

But it also takes two to tango together to define new boundaries and expectations. Assigning blame is seldom a productive strategy.

Q: Is parental estrangement always permanent?

A: No, parental estrangement can be permanent or temporary.

Q: How long do adult children usually go no contact with parents?

A: The length of estrangement is different for every family and can depend on individual circumstances and efforts to reconcile. Adult children going no contact with their parents usually stay no contact for about nine years on average, over seven years with with fathers and over five years with mothers.

It’s key to reconciliation to keep in mind that both the adult child and the parent may no longer be quite the same as when the estrangement started. Hopefully, both have learned new life and emotional intelligence, but the parent is especially at risk during reconciliation, having likely spent years frozen in grief and confusion before finding healthy ways to communicate and resolve conflict effectively.

Suggested reading: Ways To Heal From Estrangement As A Parent

Q: How can a parent cope with the emotional pain of estrangement?

A: When a child goes no-contact, a parent experiences grief in much the same way as a parent who lost a child who passed away, except that an estranged parent’s child is still very much alive, but not to them. This adds additional layers of confusion, including confusion over why it happened, self-doubt, and the harsh but unfair judgement of society. To heal from parental estrangement takes a significant amount of time and effort, but some ways to consider are:

Own that you want to heal, you want a better life.
Embrace the thought that you deserve a better life.
Get educated on the subject of parental estrangement.
Accept support from those around you and, if necessary, specialist therapists with good references.
Look after your physical health.
Find and own your new identity. Saying “I am an estranged parent” is exceptionally difficult, but can also be liberating and could be the start to forging a new, better identity.
Practice daily rituals like journalling, gratitude, prayer, or anything else that brings you peace.
Consider Rebuilding Your Life After Kids Go No Contact

Here’s a good place to start: Ways To Heal From Estrangement As A Parent

Q: How Do I Heal From Parental Estrangement As A Parent?

A: Parental estrangement, which has sadly become a trend, is one of the most devastating phenomena that robs the joy, the identity, the life from a parent, leaving them reeling in pain and confusion, with a whole lot of society inflicted guilt to boot.

But eventually, after a long time- often years, the pain blended with the daily numbness of nothingness, drives us to seek healing. Healing can be found, and often, by taking the healing path, we discover meaning too, and there are beautiful moments ahead for those who can muster the courage to heal.

Find some thoughts about ways to heal from estrangement and decide what would work for you.

Q: What are a child's rights against their parents?

A: Every single child deserves to be treated with dignity. It's their absolute human right. But as a human who enjoys rights, some responsibilities limit these rights, although these duties only emerge as they age. A child's rights against their parents, include:

To be protected from harm, including maltreatment, neglect, abuse, and exploitation.
To have access to basic necessities like nutrition, shelter, healthcare, and education.
To be given a name and nationality.
To have their best interests considered in all decisions affecting them.
To grow up in a safe environment.

Some argue that children also have the right to participate in decisions that affect their lives, but this is also limited by their limited ability to make well-thought-out decisions as children.

Find out more in this article: Children’s Rights & Expectations vs The Corresponding Children’s Responsibilities

Q: Can other people influence a child to leave their parents?

A: There are many example of children- even adult children, cutting off their parents and going no no cact, leaving the parent confused, dazed, and in a state of grief. These include:

Q: Has Psychotherapy Contributed to the Surge In Parental Estrangement?

A: As self-help celebrities, for example Oprah, found platforms to engage vast audiences in the 1980s and 90s, a new type of therapy emerged that urged people to cut off the people who the perceived as harmful, rather than examine and heal the underlying causes.

Life coaching then soon became a career choice with an easy entry: there are no real academic requirements or controlling authorities to lay down professional standards. But the epidemic of parental estrangement that surged out of the self-help type of media meant there were many prospective customers and lots of money to be made.

To a large degree, verbal communication and interaction —the cornerstone of psychotherapy has been rejected in favor of paid therapy sessions. There are many reputable therapist globally who conduct their business in an ethical, sometimes empathetic way, but unfortunately, the numbers of "therapists" who guide their customers and followers (who they don't even view in the clinical sense as patients) have contributed to to surge in estrangement- and are now offering new, paid solutions.

We delve deeper in the article "Has Psychotherapy Contributed to the Surge In Parental Estrangement?"

Q: Do estranged children lose connection with their parent forever?

A: A mother is ground zero for every person’s life. This foundation is inescapable. If nothing else, she was there the moment you were born. Every human life, with its unique collection of fragments that make up the whole, has two things: value and potential. Leveraging that value and potential, connecting to other humans is inevitable.

From the family, people join others in school and learn shared lessons, sometimes in the classroom, sometimes in the playground and develop as the child grows, physically, mentally, and spiritually and starts to learn what being human means.

Usually, the family supports and guides the child through their growth that typically transitions from a family-guided and monitored path to a trial-and-error system, which we begin to implement while still seeing ourselves as all-seeing, all-knowing teenagers. This shift occurs as family bonds start to loosen or are torn apart, sometimes leading to parental estrangement.

But, connected through many generations, these connections remain meaningful through the shared life on Earth, the soul and DNA connection ,and remain key to our happiness, learning, and life.

Suggested reading: The Human Connection: The Alpha And Omega Of The Human Condition

Q: Does estrangement dehumanize a parent?

A: Once limited to being an essential weapon for narcissists and psychopaths, dehumanization has seeped into many facets of life, as people struggle to survive and strive to thrive. The so-called personal growth through the generations, and the parental estrangement trend has seen parents being unfairly accused of abuse, of being narcissists, and other abusive terms for simply parenting, that sometimes includes a little tough love, and often times is something the parent does under extremely difficult circumstances, but always with love and the best interests of their child at heart.

Dehumanization- the ruthless, extraordinarily cruel psychological process of demonizing the enemy, effected on a human by another human, making them seem is designed to make the victim appear less than human and therefore not worthy of humane treatment. It is an intentional act, a weapon deployed by those with little understanding of, or regard for, what it means to be human.

Yet parents are being dehumanized by the people they puit their hearts and souls into, and built an identity around. But, in the confusion, parents are often left feeling less human, their identities taken away overnight.

To heal, it's key to understand what really happened.

Find out about how The Unfathomably Inhuman Act Of Dehumanizing A Human Family Member affects parents.

Q: Should I cut a narcissistic parent out of my life?

A: Cutting a narcissistic parent out your life is a difficultm life-changing decision, made all the more difficult if your parent truly is a narcissist- not just because you don't agree on many things. It's also highly personal- all family relationships are different, and you are best placed to understand the dynamics of yours. Important things to consider:

Is your family member abusive? If they are, your immediate personal safety is paramount
Is there any way you can sit down and have a conversation with the family member and try to create some rules going forward?
Would it be better to enforce some boundaries before making such a hard decision?
Going no contact with a parent will change both lives forever and may have both positive and negative consequences for both people that should be understood before the decision is made.
Educate yourself on what parental estrangement entails.
Going no contact just because you're angry is never a good idea.
Think things through, especially the consequences before making the final decision.

Recommended reading: Cutting A Narcissistic Parent Out Your Life

Q: Why do my children emotionally abuse me?

A:Kids go through phases, including the "I hate my parent" phase, and sometimes take a long time to grow up and take responsibility for themselves.

But sometimes parents, laden with responsibilities and to do lists, inadvertently make themselves the family punchbag. And that's not healthy for anyone.

If it feels like you magnetically attract people to keep on landing blows on you, even your kids, you may want to consider whether you're attracting the abuse.

Read about Demagnetizing Your Emotional Punchbag Allure

Q: Is healing from estrangement the same as trauma recovery?

A: Estrangement is exceptionally traumatic, often life-changing event for the person who was cut off. The symtoms experienced often include the same symptoms as other PTSD sufferers, like war veterans, natural disaster survivors, and abuse victims.

It can be beneficial to identify Signs And Symptoms Of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as an understanding of your current state is more easily addressed if you understand what the underlying issues are, and can start rebuilding your life after kids go no contact.

There are some differences between the ways estranged parent recovers from trauma, but many of the PTSD healing modalities are equally applicable to estranged parents.

To start recover, you may want to look at How To Build A New Life After Trauma Takes The Old One.

Q: What is an emotional gold digger?

A: Some people, especially men, leave the emotional heavy lifting to their partners. Or, as the term emotional gold-digger implies, rely on women for their own emotional needs.They mine the emotional support they struggle to find within themselves.

While emotional gold diggers see their trusted partners as the goldfields of emotions to be mined in their quest for emotional enrichment, often, this has negative consequences. For example, manipulative partners like kinkeepers are sometimes seeking to extract benefit from the relationship and would see the digging as a vulnerability to be exploited, with disastrous consequences to the entire family.

Find out more at: Emotional Gold Diggers: Lion-hearts Who Dig Anywhere But Within For Emotions

Q: Can other people influence a child to leave their parents?

A: Yes, often people turn to others for advice, and sometimes those opthers don't fully understand the whole picture. People look to friends, therapists, and even celebrities for advice, and follow that advice without properly considering the consequences.

We live in an age of influencers, where people can influence vast numbers of followers, but it's often those closest to us that have the most influences.

See how a partner can influence someone: Kinkeeper Reapers: The Heartbroken Houses Of Svengali Spouses

Q: What role does hope play in healing from estrangement?

A: Sometimes, you have to hope just to cope. But hope goes far deeper than that too. Hope is a longing, a wish, a yearning, tempered by expectation and absolute trust. And it’s an indispensable part of being human .

But hope is about the future, not the past. It reminds us not to dwell on what's behind, but on what lies ahead. The meaning of hope is life itself, and the living of it. This is especially important for estranged parents who are rebuilding their lives and rediscovering their identities.

The optimism associated with hope helps you leave the past in the past and look to the future with a certain confidence or hopefulness for the future, for something's success.

We've delved into The Meaning Of Hope: Humanity, Dreams, and Destiny here.

Q: Why did my child reject me?

A: Every family is different and every child within the family is different. Each person has personal reasons for rejecting a parent- it's not just because of their circumstances, but it's how they perceive those circumstances, how they make sense of their lived experience.

This is one real-life story from a mother whose child cut them off: Why My Children Rejected Me

Q: What does Oprah say about estrangement?

A: On parental estrangement, Oprah Winfrey is almost right about one thing when she recently said, "Some experts believe that there's been a shift in how younger generations protect their mental health and their boundaries, or have an expanded view of what is considered abuse. And that has led to a silent epidemic."

Oprah recently returned to the controversial subject of estrangement, yet many people think Oprah caused estrangement. She held sway over millions of people for many years (accumulating vast wealth in the process) and encouraged people to go no contact with their parents, creating a problem she appears to be now offering a new, potentially lucrative platform for.

We asked the question: Oprah On Parental Estrangement: Is She Capitalizing On The Problem She Created?

Q: How do you set boundaries with an estranged family member?

A: Demarcating the line marking the limits of an area, boundaries also demarcate the limits of human interaction.Trust is the crucial factor when it comes to deciding who to let into one of our comfort zones. Higher levels of trust make us feel more comfortable when people cross boundaries, including family members.

Weak boundaries are rooted in several causes. A history of abuse- whether it's emotional psychological, physical, or sexual, parent-child conflict, domestic violence, and trauma. Trauma affects us deeper than we could possibly have imagined in our worst nightmares.

Boundaries wiuth family members should be defined and communicated. They are the barriers to healthy interaction and connection with other humans can be broken down with confidence in yourself, and by having the courage to be yourself- and allowing yourself some self-love and respect.

We explored: Boundaries, Barriers, And Minding Your Own Business (The MYOB Rule)

Estrangement & Family Dynamics