Has Therapy For Parental Estrangement Contributed to its Surge?

Psychotherapy, the treatment of mental conditions by verbal communication and interaction, tends to take a one-sided view when it comes to the little-researched subject of parental estrangement.

The parents, undeservedly ashamed of the unfair judgment of somehow alienating their child to impose the no-contact rule (usually without knowing why), are ostracized, often leading to their lives being devastated by excruciating pain that taints every minute of their lives.

Therapy workers are well-positioned to guide adult children in re-establishing a relationship with their own flesh and blood—the people who love them more than anyone else could or will, their Alpha, and their identity. Yet the trend is to divide the family as though they are arch-enemies, not to engage in productive conversations or work towards a better understanding of each other. This is not healthy for anyone- including society as a whole.

Did therapy workers forget that verbal communication and interaction are the cornerstone of their work?

Some Background To This Article

Ted Bundy- the serial killer and officially diagnosed psychopath- graduated with distinction with a psychology degree from the University of Washington in 1972, before moving on to law school. There's no clarity on who his first victim was, but University of Washington student Lynda Ann Healy was his first known murder victim, in February 1973, fresh out of psych school. There is a possibility he killed before that, but we will never know.

It has been speculated that his psychology background helped Bundy control and isolate his countless victims (some put estimates as high as 100). At the same time, his legal training was potentially equally valuable to his planned criminal acts, lawyers often being recognised as masters of deception.

Bundy was executed after representing himself on trial, suggesting his legal skills didn't extend to judicial expertise. Still, indeed, deception was an art he mastered. Even psychopaths- who are unwilling and able to face consequences for their actions- are sometimes forced to do so.

Combined with, or perhaps as an extension of, his knowledge in psychology- the scientific study of the human mind and its functions, especially those affecting behaviour in a given context, Bundy was able to spiral down to ever-increasing depths of depravity, and get away with it, leaving devastating pain in his wake for his victims and their loved ones.

I am personally acquainted with a person who ticks all the boxes as a psychopath, who, like Bundy, also studied psychology, and uses that knowledge with laser precision to gain control of her victims and extract benefits for herself.

Similarly, I am personally acquainted with lawyers who twist the truth and tell lies that contradict the evidence, often for personal benefit, whether it be to gain kudos from winning a case or to extract additional fees from a matter. It seems like, much like a chocolatier will surely eventually dip their spoon into the bowl of their product to taste, a psychologist with a fascination for the human mind may be tempted to dip into the lure of controlling another person, to taste. A lawyer, too, may twist the truth in their personal capacity, to their own advantage. Or to gain academic merit or expand their practices, controlling a patient or client can be a lucrative endeavor.

Thankfully, not everyone involved in law or psychotherapy is a psychopath. As an avid admirer of Dr Viktor Frankl, both his inspiring life and his ground-breaking work in psychology, I don't doubt that there are people in the field of human psychology who are sincerely working on understanding the human mind, to find solutions for human afflictions (on lawyers, my experience is reflected in different articles). Thank you to those who are professionals- you make the world a better place.

"In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice."

Viktor Frankl

However, this article is about those who have other, less noble, reasons for practicing psychotherapy, including the vast number of people who call themselves life coaches without the faintest idea of the depth of the human psyche or the potential harm that can be caused. And I'll circle back to the good Dr Frankl, too.

Psychotherapy As A Solution To Trauma

Some say finding happiness is the key to well-being, while others, including myself, believe that authentic happiness flows from finding meaning and purpose in life —whether in fleeting moments or major epiphanies. It is a significantly more difficult route, but, I have found, it’s worth the effort.

I discovered my purpose- writing, and it gives meaning to my life. The peace and happiness I experience are incomparable to any other dopamine rush or venting session with my close friends, although the latter, I concede, has been crucial to my healing too - that human connection is central to life itself. But meaning didn't miraculously land in my inbox one day- it took significant suffering, without which, it probably would have eluded me forever.

Globally, many people stay in therapy for years, and the Nordic countries are often voted the happiest in the world. Yet, Sweden has relatively high rates of antidepressant use compared to some nations. Never-ending psychiatric bills or long-term chemically-manufactured happiness attained by dulling the pain doesn’t sound like much of a solution.

Yet psychiatrists and psychologists do report some successes, but many of these successes are counted when the patient's problems are effectively managed, sometimes with the use of drugs, not necessarily cured.

Like any other human ailment in possibly all medical departments, a complete cure isn't always reachable. A person who has lost their eyesight, for example, may not be suitable for cornea surgery or a transplant, but their lives can still be meaningful, albeit differently than before, with the right therapy.

Helen Keller may be one of the best examples of a blind person (she was also deaf) who effectively managed her disability. She did not recover from her blindness; instead, she adapted to her lifelong condition by using her experiences to advocate for the rights of blind and deafblind people. She healed herself by finding meaning in her life. Few are not inspired by her words, including:

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched— they must be felt with the heart"

Helen Keller

Helen Keller’s suffering gave her life meaning, because that was what she actively searched for, and found. She was not cured in the conventional sense through restored sight and hearing, but rather through finding meaning and purpose. She saw in her soul what many people seek in psychotherapy — lasting peace and happiness — and inspired many to follow that particular path.

Dr Viktor Frankl, an Austrian Jewish psychiatrist who spent his life advancing the healing aspect of psychotherapy, lived through the horrors of the concentration camps during the Holocaust, and, like Helen Keller, found meaning in his suffering.

While psychiatrists hold diverse views on Frankl, some criticize his logotherapy for potentially authoritarian tendencies. They argue that therapists shouldn't supply meaning, but rather facilitate a process that allows a patient to follow a route of self-discovery.

Others have concerns over the limitations of its applicability, which cannot be disputed- finding meaning would not work for a person with schizophrenia, for example, although it may help them find some relief. The lack of empirical evidence, the holy grail of medicine, is sparse for logotherapy, but many still value Dr. Frankl's contributions to existential psychology and psychotherapy.

For the record, in my empirical study of one person- myself, I found incontrovertible evidence that finding meaning, the essence of logotherapy, is an effective route to healing and happiness.

Viktor Frankl, in his book "Man's Search For Meaning," recounts his own suffering and that of those he observed around him, as well as their reactions to the inevitable suffering of human beings in varying degrees. Developing the concept that the meaning of life is found in suffering as a means to treat patients provided him with a sense of purpose throughout his bleak concentration camp life.

Frankl concludes that it is suffering that gives life meaning, and it is a self-tested and perfect conclusion to what must have been a debilitating, devastating, and traumatic period of his life- that meaning carried him though. And it can surely not be doubted that trauma- the trauma of war, incarceration, and cruelty at the hands of the Nazis and capos, was central to his thinking.

Thus, it appears that psychotherapy relies heavily on who the therapist is, their underlying beliefs, their skills and training, their level of professionalism, and their depth of understanding on any topic they may profess to specialize in.

But trauma- and its byproducts such as depression- can be conquered by both the search and the finding of meaning, given enough time, support, guidance, and space. It's not an easy journey, but nothing worthwhile ever is, and it won't work for everyone. But if the thought resonates, it's worth your time to explore it further. Some courage and a desire to heal are required, though.

To readers considering therapy: Please, I urge you to read my note at the end of the article.

Psychotherapy That Harms More Than It Heals

To help people requires empathy. To help people heal, more so. People who seek help are not well-served by being treated as lab rats or cash cows. For people whose lives have been ravaged by trauma, therapy is often the last hope they hold on to, and they deserve high priority. Their lives, literally, depend on it.

But trauma erodes most facets of a victim's life, and unless the approach is holistic, and the therapist has a deep understanding and a good dose of empathy- a difficult attribute to manage in a professional setting, the prospects of success are slim.

Modern therapy has largely moved away from Dr. Frankl's theories —tragically so. While the focus is now on growth and development, hacking off the things that don't support these goals, this is not necessarily a good or successful method when considering the longer-term goal- to guide the victim to a happier life, for the rest of their lives.

This may be most startlingly illustrated by the many homeless veterans who turn to alcohol and drugs like fentanyl to dull the pain, notwithstanding many hours of therapy, after their return from war. Many other trauma survivors choose the same route.

Mystifyingly, many people with addictions arising from trauma are treated with more, but different drugs. Even more incomprehensible is the advice that has become a trend- to go "no contact," or cut people out of your life if they cause you pain.

There is some value in the latter, if it’s executed with thought and foresight- primarily an emotionally intelligent choice rather than the traditional book-learning approach, and taking a holistic approach. Ironically, it's not something emotionally intelligent people do.

But too many therapists and life coaches approach their healing with preconceived ideas and plans, offering about as much insight as a bull in a china shop with a one-size-fits-all solution: smash everything around you and see what’s left before you escape. Therapy may sometimes work that way, but healing doesn't.

Much like Elon Musk's "move fast and break things" philosophy, uninformed life coaches and so-called "therapists" litter the internet with catchy, destructive quotes that harm more than they heal.

Parental Estrangement And Therapy

Parental estrangement is a complex subject that needs comprehensive, carefully thought-out solutions. An adult child who chooses not to have contact with a parent often does so for diverse reasons, but these reasons may not be as obvious as they seem. For society, it's unthinkable that a child would reject a parent who has invested so much love and care in them, someone who likely made significant sacrifices to give the child a better life.

For the adult child, who may already be experiencing guilt from their questionable teenage conduct, it's tough to admit to their contribution to the breakdown in the relationship. They simply don’t have the maturity and often lack emotional intelligence- making them prime targets for pseudo therapists, many of whom seem to have some sort of certification, or at least claim to.

Shifting blame to the parent is far more comfortable than self-reflection, usually in sparse supply until wisdom arrives with age, and almost non-existent in especially GenY, who consciously work towards a work-life balance built around the all-important, entitled, Me. And it's especially easy to cast blame on a parent who loves you unconditionally- their forgiveness is guaranteed. No victims, right? No- wrong, on so many levels.

Will The Real Me Generation Please Stand Up?

Parents are diagnosed and categorised by the therapist, without consultation, without insight, without the right of reply. They are labelled bullies and narcissists, or worse. And it's the parents who often find their lives destroyed by the label, mostly wrongly dished out to them willy-nilly.

Parents, mothers in particular, are left reeling, not only by the rejection, but by the confusion. How did this happen? Many only get to hear through the grapevine, or through angry confrontations, of some or other terrible misdeed they are accused of, that either never happened, never happened the way it was described, or is based on a series of debilitating circumstances or events in the life of the parent, with many fabricated frills added to bolster the child’s version.

Almost always, both contributed, but almost always, the parent was doing their best to act in the best interest of their child, who differed, or is dealing with unrelated, overwhelming issues that could often be worked through by communicating with their parent- the people who want the best for them, after all.

Yes, there are cases where children don't feel comfortable speaking openly with their parents, but there are less extreme, less abrasive, less destructive ways of addressing this- it's incomprehensible why many therapists don't offer communication skills or solutions like the correlation between meaning, purpose, and happiness, but choose family division- tearing the adult child from their identity, over healthy conversation. One cannot help but notice that the latter will require many more billable hours of therapy.

And yes, there are parents who abuse their children emotionally or otherwise (I know, because I had an abusive parent and worked hard to break the pattern), but the irony- not lost to good parents whose adult children still choose to end the relationship, is that children of narcissists still love their parents despite the pain, and- having been well-trained to be controlled, remain under the control of abusive parents for far too long.

It's the parents who sought to give their children the independence they need to live healthy, productive lives who are easily thrown under the bus. In each case, the child is doing what they were taught- stay in the fold and do the parent's bidding, or lead an independent life.

Except that the child forgets —or is influenced by others to believe otherwise —that they still need their family, the cornerstone of their identity, the people who love them unconditionally, who believe in them no matter what, and support them when nobody else will. And then the therapist comes along and tells them to cut away the things that cause them pain- don't deal with the underlying issues, don't question the motives, just throw them away.

How Propaganda Wreaks Havoc On Families

This may leave the child with instant relief, affirmation of their destructive choice, and a temporary respite from their pain. Often, there are layers of reasons for their behaviour, which can be set aside when, supported by others, all guilt is placed on the parent, whose own life has been destroyed.

To lose a child is debilitating. To lose a living child and not understand why- and face hatred returned for your love, destroys a mother’s life completely, while the adult child's conscience lingers, quietly- like a thief in the night, stealing their path to peace. The monster they created, representing their parent, returns to haunt them in entirely different forms.

The Effect Of Pseudo-Therapists On Parental Estrangement

There are many loud voices- empty vessels, shouting about narcissistic parents, and laying the blame for the surge in parental estrangement against “narcissistic parents,” who they have never met and have simply proclaimed every parent of a potential customer as a narcissist. Amazingly, these are almost always the same people who also proclaim themselves as mental health practitioners.

How professional is it really to make Cluster B personality diagnoses for people you have never met, in circumstances that you clearly have a poor understanding of, and still display your utter lack of training or expertise. Yet the movement to blame rather than heal continues.

But what happens in reality is that:

1. The bereft parent, destroyed by the pain and confusion, its kicked further down into their burrow of hopelessness. They are now labelled unworthy by cruel, unprofessional loudmouths and their misinformation.

2. The divisions between the adult child and their parent are widened by brute force.

3. The few adult children whose parents are narcissists become ripe targets: The narcissist parent who controlled the child can now be replaced with a controlling ”therapist.” Because children of narcissists continue to love their narcissistic parent, it’s a good arrangement for the “therapist”- the child will never heal their wound, and be a paying customer indefinitely.

A somewhat childish phrase from the schoolyard may be the most appropriate for the “therapist” to understand:

When you point a finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you.

You give yourself away pointing at those parents by categorising and stigmatising them, in a cruel and self-serving way. The three fingers that point back give away your greed, ignorance, and cruel nature.

Karma, The First Rule Of Alchemy, And other Payback Theories

Retribution is never healthy. It’s a sure route to a never-ending toxic cycle, unless you have the skills of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction and other fiction- the skill to understand you’re a good guy in real life, but can play the role of a hard-as-nails server of Justice, and still return to being the good guy. But that’s a different article for a different day.

Life has a funny way of equalising. Karma, the concept of "what goes around comes around," is universally recognized and can offer comfort to those who have been wronged. History provides many examples of Karma in action- assassinations of tyrants like Julius Caesar and Louis XVI, or the pirate François l'Olonnais meeting a violent end after a career of cruelty. Dictators, too, are often brutally deposed in bloody coups.

But, Karma, some forget, doesn't just work on other people —it works on you too.

Similarly, the first rule of alchemy —the Law of Equivalent Exchange —states:

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain one thing, another thing of equal value must be lost."

Notably, this rule is integrated into the popular manga and anime Fullmetal Alchemist, a genre that many of the adult children who alienate their parents follow slavishly. Perhaps they see themselves as the Samuel L Jackson of the anime world, but it's only a matter of time before they grow up and realise it too works both ways- and their actions carry serious consequences, not only for the parent they hurled a contorted version of Justice us, but for them too, as it dawns on them that their actions were, perhaps, questionable, but the pain they caused is not. It's real-life pain. And it destroys real lives.

They may have gained their independence in exchange for the love and support from their parents, but one day, when they least expect it, it will occur to them that it was never necessary to make the exchange. Their parents shared the same goal: their child's independence, and they could eventually find ways to heal and rebuild new, healthier lives together. But the adult child will have their actions on their real-life conscience forever.

Mothers seldom wish karmic retribution on their children, even those whose lives have been destroyed through parental estrangement. They continue to love their child, regardless of what the child may have done; they simply cannot help it. Absorbing their pain, their anger, and quelling their hopes, mothers have no interest in the Karmic rules of fantasy games. They spend years hoping and praying their child will come to their senses and return. And most would welcome them like the proverbial prodigal son, albeit with some hesitation.

But, just as the thought of karmic payback rests in the recesses of the adult child's mind and will cause angst from time to time, it lingers within the mother. That kind of pain she would never want for her child, and probably spent years protecting them from it. Yet, added to the onerous burden of healing is the nagging thought that Karma may return to her child, and she won't be there to protect them. Despite her own pain, it's a double jeopardy that further hinders her progress in her journey towards rebuilding her life.

Do Psychotherapists Dehumanize Estranged Parents Of Adult Children?

In his paper, Dehumanization and mental health, Nick Haslam posits that dehumanizing attitudes to the mentally ill can also be held by mental health professionals. Little research is available on the consequences of these attitudes, but the dearth of research into Parental Estrangement- especially it's devastating effects on the parent, suggests that there is no interest in their mental health outcomes.

A contributing factor for therapists is emotional self‐preservation, and Haslam suggests that professionals may dehumanize patients as a way to protect themselves against emotional exhaustion and distress. By anticipating emotional demands, the therapists may deny humanity to others, and, as a result, withhold empathy and care.

While the practice may point towards burnout, the loss of empathy for others associated with burnout adds yet another layer of difficult to the estranged parent, not only denying them the help they may need, but emphasising the unfair stigma attached to the parent. This in turn amplifies the parent's battered self-esteem at the same time.

“Has Psychotherapy Contributed to the Surge In Parental Estrangement?”

Children, even adult children, benefit from good relationships with their parents, who offer love, support, and a shared DNA identity that is woven into both.

Destroying a parent's life by going no contact will leave them with not much more than a shadow of their former selves until they can (and learn to) rebuild their lives. But by then, there's no returning to where the relationship ended. Both are changed people -but with a little luck and a lot of intensive work, they become happier individuals.

It takes two to tango, and drowning the voice of, or ignoring one side, the parent, is a recipe for disaster and without understanding the real issues, no healing path can ever be effective. And psychotherapy for parental estrangement often falls far short of what the parent and adult child need, as set out above.

Where did that verbal communication and interaction —the cornerstone of psychotherapy —go?

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POST SCRIPT- To the reader in pain:

You reached this page from a place of pain, but in seeking a way to understand, you've taken a huge step forward: you want to heal and find ways to be happy again. And that matters, because you —and your life —matter.

If you are in crisis or simply don't know where to turn, I beg you to find help. This may be from a crisis centre, a properly trained and reputable psychotherapist, and possibly even clinically prescribed medication. These may be temporary solutions, or you may find the right person to help you over the longer term. So reach out to them- you will never know you missed a chance to heal if you don't try, at least one more time, maybe more.

For me, searching for purpose and meaning was a long and rocky road, fraught with seemingly insurmountable challenges, many tears, and frequent missteps. Like you, I'm a human being, so we're not perfect. But I did find that I am perfect for my purpose, and that the gut-wrenching suffering was a perfect storm that led me to finding meaning.

I still search, every day. I sometimes awaken to the birds chirping away. I listen closely- it connects me to the Earth and makes my heart happy. I'm grateful. And from there, I see many blessings that were there all along - I just didn't have the strength to look for far too long.

Meaning isn't always in the big things. Those tiny, quiet moments are sometimes all we need to change the trajectory of the day. Then days become weeks, and weeks become months, years, entire lives. I hope you find those moments. Because, while you may, thankfully, have realised you want to heal, I hope you also embrace the fact that you deserve to heal.

But in the meantime- if you are in crisis: get help. IMMEDIATELY. Meaning will still be there to find when you have gotten over the slump. Whatever works for you, do that.

What is the one thing in life you are willing to fight for, no matter what?

Viktor Frankl

(And I hope that your answer is: "Me!")