The Unfathomably Inhuman Act Of Dehumanizing A Human Family Member
- Megan Maysie
- Sep 1
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 17
Once limited to being an essential weapon for narcissists and psychopaths, dehumanization has seeped into many facets of life, as people struggle to survive and strive to thrive. The so-called personal growth through the generations has shifted from the stoic “Greatest Generation’s” selflessness and willingness to sacrifice for the greater good to GenZ, who are often the least connected to their own families and prioritize their own wants and needs.
It’s a subtle slide to regarding yourself as more entitled, more human, than others, including parents. Being less human, the effects of dehumanization can be devastating.
What Is Dehumanization?
Dehumanization- the ruthless, extraordinarily cruel psychological process of demonizing the enemy, effected on a human by another human, making them seem is designed to make the victim appear less than human and therefore not worthy of humane treatment. It is an intentional act, a weapon deployed by those with little understanding of, or regard for, what it means to be human.
BBC Earth reflects that:
“To be human is to be at the centre of our own universe,
to experience life in all its colours and all its potential.”
In the macro sense, dehumanizing is a tactic deployed in circumstances that could lead to increased violence, human rights violations, war crimes, and genocide. It involves the outright denial of a human person’s humanity. It was a typical strategy followed by enslavers, but it remains central to prejudiced groups today, and it is particularly prevalent as a tool to control and physically harm women. It also extends to interpersonal relationships and is often found in families, ironically, being practiced by the very human beings who act inhumanely towards other human beings.
Scientifically, there are distinctions between different types of dehumanisation, but this article explores dehumanization within the context of Parental Estrangement.
Dehumanization describes a disposition towards others that debases the others' individuality by either portraying it as an "individual" species or by portraying it as an "individual" object. It is the opposite of personification, which endows inanimate objects with human qualities; dehumanization takes them away.
Dehumanization denies human attributes. It can occur in interpersonal settings, where people are effectively reduced to robots and machines, with no right to “experience life in all its colours and all its potential.”
Dehumanization occurs both blatantly and subtly, intentionally or unconsciously. It is generally understood as a psychological mechanism that facilitates violence and inhumane treatment and plays a central role in justifying harm by removing the moral consideration typically afforded human beings, weakening psychological restraints such as compassion and empathy. It often involves strategies like spreading propaganda.
There is a strong association between dehumanization and increased levels of aggression, and it may intensify intergroup conflict by sharpening distinctions or legitimizing harm.
In his paper, Dehumanization and Mental Health, Professor of Psychology at the University of Melbourne Nick Haslam confirms that dehumanization has significant repercussions in everyday life and observes how we can subtly dehumanize those we love. We're human; the inherent ability to be cruel lies within us all, if we let it. And those we love sometimes make the easiest targets.
Dehumanizing A Family Member: Estranged Parents
Literature on stigma confirms that people with mental illness are often viewed negatively- as dangerous, blameworthy, and shameful. Less human. With startlingly adverse effects on well‐being and recovery. Similarly, estranged parents are made to feel dangerous, blameworthy, and shameful, or made out to be these things, despite this usually being far from the truth.
This dehumanization of a family member- a parent, is piled onto the grief of losing a child, the confusion and guilt- valid or not, the loss of identity as a parent, the dearth of help for estranged parents, and the rocky road to healing.
The burden is too heavy to bear, and estranged parents often feel helpless and lost as they watch their lives disappear before their eyes, and feel like there is absolutely nothing they can do about it. Except for the search for healing, which has many benefits, and the healing itself, which is even more beneficial. But it often takes years from their lives, along with everything else they lose in the process.
People who believe they are being denied humanity don’t respond well, just like being dehumanized based on race or political views; dehumanized people have been shown to display antagonistic reactions. The added trauma of losing a child also often leaves them in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Sometimes, just reacting is all an estranged parent can muster.
Demeaning media representations and dismissive interactions with mental health professionals or misguided advice don't help either. At the same time, dehumanizing perceptions are often internalized rather than resisted. If others see you as less than human, it’s a quick hop to self-dehumanizing, convincing yourself you are that dangerous, blameworthy, and shameful person that you are not, with significant clinical implications and creating vicious cycles that compromise healing.
Another byproduct of dehumanization- the increased tendency to actively harm people and to tolerate the harm perpetrated by others- adds a few steps down an extremely slippery slope.
While trying to make sense of the estrangement, stray thoughts that enter parents' consciousness include theories that people with stronger tendencies to dehumanize others are more likely to engage in bullying, or may be narcissists or psychopaths. Conflicting sharply with the values they worked hard to instill in their children, it is horrifying to think your child may be a bully, and you are simply their victim.
The reality is far more complicated, but the thought alone causes much overthinking, and a few more steps down the slippery slope, they are already on. To ask yourself, in the midst of deep pain, "Did I create a monster?" is not an easy dilemma to face. Less so in the face of the other realities.
As if that wasn't enough, the loss of family support through the spread of propaganda and lies also leaves both estranged parent and child isolated at a time they desperately need to connect with others who are intrinsically linked to their identity. To feel part of a human clan.
*Note to the estranged parent: I offer this information in the interest of better understanding how I, and perhaps you (although I obviously don't know your circumstances, but you do), became an estranged parent - something I found invaluable in my healing. Because until I understood what I was dealing with, I had no place to start. Some of my words may resonate with you, and- if they do, please chase that thought when you are ready. Even if you can only walk the path a few steps at a time, they all count. One day, when you look back, you will be amazed at how far a few steps at a time take you, even if there are sometimes two steps back for every three steps forward. MM
Heaping Blame On Pain
Dehumanizing, demonizing, it's all the same thing. All the love, all the time, effort, and dedication, despite dealing with your own realities, are discarded when you are not human, because those things do not matter. It's not true, but it's ridiculous that you have to keep reminding yourself of that. It helps to have a support structure, even if it is only one person who believes in you.
But the truth often lies further behind the dehumanized person. Firstly, it's a lot easier to cope with the loss of your child if you know (even if you don't admit it) that you are an abusive parent. Oddly, the abusers are usually experts in keeping their children controlled, and their children would never dare leave. Empaths only know how to love and absorb pain until they learn that they, too, deserve the same love.
Yet the stigma of the abusive parent is passed off to good parents, by children who may simply be seeking independence, or those who have their own trauma burdens. The pain may have pushed them to hurl it at the person who loves them, in a fruitless attempt to remove it from their own psyche. And while there are many good people in the world, there are others with nefarious goals who will push the right buttons to achieve their objectives.
A potential significant other may feel threatened by the close relationship between the parent and child, and create divisions to position themselves as gatekeepers to the child. They will spread propaganda, and by the time the child realizes that they have made a terrible mistake, they are under the control of someone who never had their best interests at heart. Drugs and other addictions- often, but not always, the result of unhealed trauma- can also lead to poor decision-making.
Tragically, they are also sometimes misguided, even by legitimate but narrow-minded practitioners or those with little self-awareness or learning, to seek themselves by cutting off that which, as the popular saying goes, "no longer serves them," validating their dehumanization. It serves no purpose to separate the child from the people who love and support them. Effective communication techniques and the difficult but valuable act of forgiveness are seldom attempted when the scars have the potential to increase billable hours or require more effort.
But the reasons children decide to go no-contact are seldom clear. Even the parent is left in the dark. Perhaps the child lacks the maturity to self-reflect, so blame is heaped onto the parents' already unbearable pain. Because that's the point of dehumanizing them- if they are not human, you don't need to treat them humanely. Right?
So very, very wrong. It is never okay to cause harm to others, less so intentionally, and even less so to people who don't deserve it- even if you happen to have the twisted belief that you are more deserving, more entitled, more human. People who act on these animalistic instincts cannot claim a higher level of humanity. It makes no sense whatsoever.
Steps On Your Healing Journey
Thank you for reading my article. I realize it may not have been an easy read, so getting to the end is definitely progress if you’re an estranged parent. It took courage!
May you rediscover what it is to be human- to be at the centre of your own universe, to experience life in all its colours and all its potential. To heal and be whole. Soon, one step at a time.
Best of luck in your healing journey. Be blessed.
Megan Maysie
Comments