Demarcating the line marking the limits of an area, boundaries also demarcate the limits of human interaction. Trespassing on a property by stepping over a boundary line isn’t dissimilar to breaching personal boundaries. There’s some pushback in both cases.
Irritated and under pressure, sometimes we say to someone without thinking, "Mind Your Own Business." (M-Y-O-B) as a reminder that they crossed a boundary. At times, it’s appropriate. Other times, not so much- especially if you’re the one being told to mind your own business. Then it’s different.
It's not exactly polite to tell someone to mind their own business, but sometimes someone steps over the line between natural, reasonable conversation and nosy, quizzy, cross-questioning. Finding that boundary line and figuring out when to erect barriers is also a balance- between being polite and protecting your personal space, before facing the Spanish Inquisition or 20 questions.
Personal Space
By being ensconced in a snug little bubble, our personal space is our comfort zone, with specific distance rules for different categories of people, or even people within those categories. A teenage girl may happily embrace an aunt while feeling less comfortable about getting that close to her uncle for reasons that come from her own experience.
There’s a science to personal space- Proxemics, which is the study of how humans use space developed by anthropologist and researcher, Edward T. Hall. It analyzes the impact that population density has on human behavior, communication, and social interaction. Used mainly in architecture and urban planning to design living and working spaces that fit human needs, proxemics was used extensively in office planning- think traditional cubicles. More recently, it has gained traction in Proxemic zones proposed as tools to control interactions between autonomous robots and humans, like self-driving cars and pedestrians.
A hidden element of interpersonal communication, proxemics- or maintaining personal space, is revealed by observation but is strongly influenced by culture. Hall’s theory suggests that there are four zones of interpersonal distance between humans, radiating horizontally around, in front, and behind us:
Intimate distance: Between less than an inch and up to 18 inches (,01 to,46m) away from us, the space in between is for whispering, embracing, or touching.
Personal distance: From around 1,5 feet to about 4 feet (,46 to 1,22m) from us, the space is our comfort zone for family and close friends.
Social distance: From around 4 feet to about 12 feet (1,2 to 3,7m) is where interactions with acquaintances occur.
Public distance: between 12 and 25 feet (3,7 to 7,6m) or more is the distance from which public speeches are made, usually for large audiences.
Another element is vertical space- that space above and below us. This too has non-verbal connotations. Royalty, for example, will often elevate themselves on a platform as a subtle reminder of their elevated status.
Many others do likewise, including making themselves taller with high heels or shoe inserts to literally and figuratively look down on the rest of us, who are expected to feel inferior. People who have earned respect and have confidence, tend to be comfortable on the same level as the other person, relying on their values rather than optical illusions to get people to look up at them- again, literally looking up at them but with the intention of figuratively looking up to them.
Aside from other signals and egos that get in the way, in essence, the closer the relationship, the less personal space we need between us and them without getting uncomfortable or anxious. Conversely, how far a person stands from you is a non-verbal signal of the closeness they perceive within a relationship. But this is our personal space, our territory, and our boundaries are at the edge. Life doesn’t always fit quite so neatly into science boxes, which can be a good thing- imagine how boring it would be if we all followed precise rules like robots, separated by Proxemic zones rather than the human need for interaction.
Defining Boundaries
Trust is the crucial factor when it comes to deciding who to let into one of our comfort zones. Higher levels of trust make us feel more comfortable when people cross boundaries, and the types of boundaries in different relationships include:
Personal boundaries:
The outer limits of our tolerance for being used, manipulated, or violated by others, personal boundaries are the point at which we feel uncomfortable and are present in several parts of our lives, including:
Emotional Boundaries: You are the owner of your emotions, which are your responsibility. Whatever may be happening with another person, their emotional well-being is their responsibility. This may sound harsh, but if someone you love is suffering, for example, from depression, as much as you really want to help them, you can only listen- not take their emotions onto yourself. Being drawn into another person’s sea of suffering could only lead to two people being drowned. Offer a lifeline by all means- the human connection is intrinsic to life and healing, but put healthy boundaries in place to avoid risking your emotional well-being.
Sexual Boundaries: Sex- when you’re ready, how often you’re ready, and what you are ready for is entirely your decision in a relationship. Pushing the boundaries can add to the enjoyment, whereas crossing your boundary risks not only the well-being of the partners but the relationship itself.
Intellectual Boundaries: Respecting what others may think, including their opinion does not have to cross your boundaries. Just because someone has a different opinion, it does not make it the only valid one.
Financial Boundaries: Budgeting is an effective way to decide on and set financial boundaries for yourself. How much you are willing to give to others also requires boundaries and is often guided by personal traits and cultural practices such as the requirement of tithing in some churches.
Boundaries in friendships:
Also require emotional boundaries, but also need more practical boundaries such as time boundaries.
Dating relationship boundaries:
No matter how deep the feelings become, to retain our self-identity, clear boundaries are necessary.
Professional boundaries:
Organisational frameworks that cover legal and ethical considerations are usually defined in health and safety practices, contracts with employees and clients, and other standard operating procedures.
Healthy boundaries remain key across the board and this means being consistent with your boundaries, being assertive, prioritizing your needs, and learning to say that tiny word: No.
Mind Your Own Business
Annoyance, frustration, and sometimes even fearfulness emerge when someone invades your personal space or privacy and we're often tempted to tell them to mind your damn business. It's a not-so-subtle message to say back off, but often there's more to it.
When we are struggling, whether it's financially, health-wise, or with our emotions, we tend to clam up out of fear that the other person will see us as weak, less worthy, or incompetent. This is rarely true. Life happens, things go awry, and humans are frailer than we'd care to acknowledge.
Asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do, and when your circumstances are compromised, your self-esteem has already taken a knock, making the fear of rejection a big deal. Lashing out at people is sometimes the only way to feel like you can maintain some dignity.
But before telling someone to mind their own business, consider whether they may genuinely care, and may sincerely have no hidden agenda. There are always those who cross boundaries, but human beings are unpredictable. We can never know why someone asks if we need help, but if they do, it may just be because they want to help. But if they want to know the intimate details, it’s unlikely, and probably need to be reminded of where your boundaries are.
Boundaries can’t stay up forever. Walls around your heart and mind are artificial, built as a protection mechanism because of things that happened in the past. But carrying that pain into the future, safely locked in behind your walls, doesn’t leave much space for happiness.
Mind My Own Business
You are your own boss, even if you have a boss at work, a spouse who bosses you around, or any have any other person who crosses over into your personal space and makes you uncomfortable. You have the right to decide how to respond. It's your business how you choose to do so, just as it's up to you to not encroach on the boundaries of other people.
“If you attach to the negative behaviour of others it brings you down to their level.”
~ Guru Singh
Taking care of your own business- including emotions, reactions, and even decisions about healing and growing your heart and mind will guide you intuitively. We meet many guides along the way, mostly souls that help us in our journey, some that teach us lessons, sometimes very harsh lessons. Learning about who we are and what the purpose and meaning of our lives are is very much our own business.
Minding Your Own Business Helps You Grow
Weak boundaries are rooted in several causes. A history of abuse- whether it's emotional psychological, physical, or sexual, parent-child conflict, domestic violence, and trauma. Trauma affects us deeper than we could possibly have imagined in our worst nightmares.
When personal boundaries are weak, we bring further unhappiness or even misery to ourselves Some signs of weak boundaries are:
You can't say no.
You don’t object to being mistreated.
You have burnout because of overcommitting or taking on other people’s responsibilities.
You’re afraid of rejection or conflict.
You take the blame for things you either didn’t do or didn’t control.
You feel incomplete without another person.
You regularly take care of others, ignoring your own needs.
By not setting boundaries, you will always be at the mercy of other people. Setting boundaries- starting by just saying no to things that are not your responsibility, may feel strange initially. Ignore any guilty feelings and remember to mind your own business, not everybody else's.
Making yourself to other people’s whims is a fast way to lose your own identity. By acknowledging your needs and wants- and your right to prioritize them, your sense of self- your self-identity, will return. Dig deep for the courage to find the most important thing in your world: you.
Ways To Manage Your Personal Space
For many, physical proximity to another person goes beyond uncomfortable to being psychologically disturbing. Known as Enochlophobia or Ochlophobia (not to be confused with Agoraphobia, a fear of places or situations)- an anxiety disorder, the fear of crowds is a chronic condition and can be debilitating.
How much space you need is a personal decision, to be taken while bearing in mind that the human connection is crucial, and give and take is part of life. People make exceptions to and adjust their personal space requirements from time to time While we tend to guard our personal space more fiercely as we get older, there's no escaping the fact that we live in a crowded world, and we need other people.
By defining boundaries that you feel comfortable behind you are effectively marking out your personal space. Developing self-awareness is a good way to consider where your boundaries should be and anxiety in stressful situations can be calmed by concentrating on breathing, engaging the senses, or practicing mindfulness. Centre yourself, and then ground yourself in the present moment to better manage interactions.
Boundaries Not Barriers
Minding your own business, at its heart, is focusing on what you can control and letting go of what you can't. It is taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and leaving others to take care of theirs.
Boundaries are defined and the barriers to healthy interaction and connection with other humans can be broken down with confidence in yourself, and by having the courage to be yourself- and allowing yourself some self-love and respect and remembering to M-Y-O-B.
Some inspiration: A mind your own business bible verse-
1 Thessalonians 4:11-12 “...and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”
Comments