Confidently living life, making decisions effortlessly, and enjoying the certainty that confidence imbues feels fabulous. Till it comes crashing down as the ways of the world inflict themselves. Targeting the strongest, the bravest, the fall from grace is a long and painful one. And suddenly, low confidence becomes a defining factor of who you are, unable to reach out and take the things that were once automatically yours as a confident child, or adult.
In just trying to survive post trauma, self-esteem insidiously slips away, taking confidence with for the ride. The dictionary is spot on by describing insidiously as in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful cumulative effects. When things happen that cause self-doubt, as in "Maybe it was my fault?" or " "I should have done better," or the many other questions that can arise, that tiny seed of doubt grows, sprouting shoots into the ego that pushes apart the strands that keep our sense of self-worth together.
It’s true, sometimes we need an ego check, a little bringing back down to earth, but surely not to the extent of destroying the fiber of our identities. Is it necessary to destroy self-esteem to build confidence from a clean slate?
Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence: Similar, like Oranges And Apples
Despite feeling like with enough self-esteem, confidence will follow, it just doesn't work that way in practice. Researchers, including Australia's University of Queensland, see them as two different, but related, concepts.
Self-confidence:
It's your belief in yourself and your abilities- it’s about trusting yourself and your abilities.
Enmeshed in knowledge and practice, the better we become at something, the more confident we are at it. And the more confident we become, the more success generally follows.
Changing according to the situation and level of proficiency, self-confidence is outward-facing. Despite being short-lived- lasting until a new level of expertise is available, self-confidence is usually easier to build than self-esteem, which delivers far more lasting happiness.
Self-esteem:
It goes to appreciating and valuing yourself.
It’s how we feel about ourselves as opposed to the actions taken to build confidence. Evolving as a result of life experiences and interactions with other people, self-esteem guides the way we engage with the world and others. As an appraisal of our own self-worth, self-esteem is inward-facing.
It has nothing to do with financial status or social standing, and everything to do with effectively dealing with rejection or fear of failure. Good self-esteem tells us we are good enough, just as we are.
Self- Esteem Plays a Big Role in Confidence
The 4 major factors that affect our self-esteem, our deeply held sense of self-worth, include:
Our childhood: By not receiving love, affection, and positive interactions in childhood, people tend to end up with a lack of a sense of worth, failing to see their inner value. Those who grow up experiencing a high level of hurt or pain often see this manifest as a negative effect on their self-esteem.
Society: Self-esteem may be what we feel inside, yet it’s influenced by external things and other people. Forces like cultural and social groups affect how we perceive ourselves, often giving (sometimes uncalled for or harsh) feedback on who we are. What does it really matter what other people think of you?
The media: Distorted snapshots in the media, and especially social media, showcase the version of a person or situation that the broadcaster wants to present to the world. So-called reality TV is scripted and celebrities who claim to have had no work done show off their enhanced or reduced assets to a gullible set of followers who sub-consciously and consciously set the same standards for themselves, or trolls who put their worst selves on display on the world wide web. It's a good thing to be inspired and uplifted by what others say and do, but unhealthy to want to actually be them.
The people in our lives: Family and other people in our lives who we value send out messages about us constantly- good and bad. But to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem, it’s important to interpret them and decide whether to accept them or bin them.
**Spoiler alert: The writer thinks that the values our family instills in us and childhood really do matter, especially when trauma chips away at your sense of self. If you’re looking for a way to be like a celebrity or some other false persona, this article may not be quite what you were looking for, but read on, there are always things to be learned...
Feeling loved and supported in our efforts is a very different thing from the admiration we may get from a captured audience. Worker ants may fawn over the achievements of their queen ant while secretly wishing they were on a beach, or somewhere else. Anywhere else in fact. When that same queen ant goes home and finds someone in her colony to hold her hand and listen while she's having a quiet burnout moment, she understands that how she feels matters to someone. She matters.
Self-confidence- from achieving something, doesn't come close to matching the feeling of recognizing self-worth, as we take ownership of authentic self-esteem.
Self Esteem, Confidence And Trauma
Trauma- defined in the dictionary as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience (as opposed to the more specific clinical definition), happens to everyone, but some have better coping mechanisms than others. Leaving you feeling vulnerable and powerless, and questioning your self-worth, traumatic incidents can shatter your self-confidence and dent your self-esteem.
Unchecked, it easily spirals into a downward cycle. In a cruel twist of fate, at a time when we need to be connecting with others, to support us as we we heal and love us when we don't love ourselves, many people simply withdraw into themselves after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event.
Trying to process what happened, to make sense of it, and to find some sort of meaning behind events that were not in our control leads to some dark places and darker thoughts. All trauma doesn't lead to a diagnosis of PTSD, even if it feels that way.
People's experience of disassociation varies, but the concept is a natural response to trauma they can't or couldn’t control- despite some looking for ways to blame themselves. A response to a one-off traumatic event or ongoing trauma, disassociation is the feeling of being disconnected from yourself and the world around you. It can go as far as feeling detached from your body or as though the world is not real. Avoiding life is sometimes just easier than facing the pain.
While avoiding engaging in life, when ongoing, fear and anxieties disrupt patterns and can wreak havoc on daily life. Disrupting what was once a good life, social anxiety disorder symptoms can include:
Feeling self-conscious around others.
Stammering when speaking.
Rapid heartbeat, trembling, sweating, and even dizziness.
Anxiety in social settings.
An upset tummy or feeling sick to the stomach.
The symptoms of social anxiety disorder assimilate themselves into confidence, which takes a knock as self-esteem and self-worth decline. In this way, trauma- an event outside your control, finds a way to convince you that you're somehow less worthy, often leading to self-blame. And where the trauma is ongoing, that self-blame is exactly the tool the perpetrator hoped to use to maintain control over the situation.
To heal, a decision must be made to wrest control of your life from others, to love yourself enough to take control of your life, and to find the confidence to move forward.
Be Confident: Find The Courage To Find Ways To Build Self-Esteem
The time to start healing was yesterday, but now also works. People who overcompensate with overconfidence often do so to mask a debilitating lack of self-esteem. But it's a journey to restoring who you know you are, somewhere there deep inside- that soul that's hiding in the recesses, too frightened to show itself to the world. If you don't think it's worth showing the world, an invented persona may keep you going for a while, but it won't create the true happiness that acknowledging and loving yourself- flaws and all, will.
Tiny steps, taken over and over, become massive waves of change. Find what works for you- those things that give you a measure of calm and a vague sense of healing and meaning in life (it gets better with each try). It could be exercise, journaling, or even just waking up and being grateful for the blessings you have.
Before you work on confidence, there are some ways to build self-esteem:
Who are you? Define yourself, and live up to your self-determined persona.
Other people are other people. You are you. Try to avoid comparing yourself to others.
Get to know yourself. Who are you? What makes you happy?
What’s the best version of you? Figure out how to be that person.
Challenge unkind thoughts about yourself. Never tell yourself you’re an idiot, stupid, or defective in any way.
Do small things that are huge.
Be kind to yourself, always.
Forgive others- let go of the pain that keeps you in a prison of your own making. And forgive yourself too.
Give. It is soul-affirming to give something to someone else, even if it's "just" a smile. And while you're about it, do something nice for yourself too.
No is a word. Use it!
Do something different or differently.
Step out of your comfort bubble. Figure out who consistently shows up for you, and nurture those relationships. Then reach out to others. If it doesn’t work, there are other people, other ways to find a little joy, but the 21st attempt may be the right one.
Go outside. Look at the sky to get a perspective of just how small your problems are. Fresh air and sunshine, or even dancing in the rain can help, just change into dry clothes before you fall ill.
Make a to-do list and check things off.
Get spruced up and show the world how well you can clean up.
Fake it till you make it: Believe in yourself even if you have doubts.
Consciously work on your self-esteem.
And if it’s not your birthday today, then: Happy today!
It’s a good day to celebrate you
The little things combined make a whole person, and a person whole again. Self-esteem is the cornerstone that many actions depend on and as it returns in dribs and drabs, here are 5 ways to boost your confidence:
Work on your self-esteem: Believe in yourself
Work on skills and perfecting the task to achieve a set goal
Give yourself rewards now and then, to celebrate yourself, and mark important progress milestones
Recognize your achievement, however big or small
Talk slowly: When unsure of themselves, people tend to start babbling. Slowing things down not only gives you a chance to think, it also makes you appear more confident.
But mainly, work on your self-esteem
Overconfidence Isn’t Confidence
Mac Davis, Kenny Rodgers, and Willie Nelson (remember them?) all belted out “Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble, when you’re perfect in every way,” at different times, despite their versions of perfect being different. We are all perfect, not because we stand on a soapbox and declare it so, but because we can look at ourselves and see the perfection in the meaning of our lives, despite wandering down many imperfect paths. The singers were also just doing the best that they could.
Have faith, keep hope alive, and love with all your heart. Give love, whether it’s returned or not. Because you define yourself by what you give, not what you receive. Have the confidence to believe that it matters, because it does. You matter.
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