Ways To Heal From Estrangement As A Parent
- Megan Maysie
- 23 hours ago
- 8 min read
Parental estrangement, which has sadly become a trend, is one of the most devastating phenomena that robs a parent of joy, their identity, and their life, leaving them reeling in pain and confusion, with a whole lot of society-inflicted guilt to boot.
But eventually, after a long time- often years- the pain blended with the daily numbness of nothingness drives us to seek healing.
Healing can be found, and often, by taking the healing path, we discover meaning, too, and there are beautiful moments ahead for those who can muster the courage to heal.
As a noun, healing is “the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again”. But as an adjective, healing means “tending to heal; therapeutic.”
Does Healing Mean Returning To The Family Unit You Once Were?
Healing depends on what you mean by healing. If, for you, healing means returning to the family unit you once were, that place where you felt healthy and happy, as the noun suggests, it’s pretty complicated. One of the most challenging things is to accept that life is dynamic. It moves with time, changes, and grows as the past passes. But this is not such a bad thing. It can still be healing to look at the past and what's gone from your life as a building block on which to build your next chapter. However, it's a difficult path, littered with many retriggering moments.
When we live in the desperate, isolated hope that our child will return (and we all do) and that everything will go back to normal (and that too is a normal thing to think), we do ourselves no favours. We cloud our lives in hope, and when hope becomes a coping mechanism rather than a magnificent inspiration, when it's likely unrealistic, hope can also be an obstacle to healing if it's an all-encompassing thought that clouds our judgment and prevents us from doing something about it.
I'm not saying don't hope. Hope, definitely, always. But keep it as just one small tool you need to heal, and don't let it interfere with the others.
Your child was, is, and always will be part of you, but not necessarily part of your life. They have chosen to move on and, if and when you reconnect, will likely be a different person. And you will have difficulty not just trusting the new person and letting go of the past hurts, but your pain and the fear of losing them again will bring a new dynamic to the relationship, too.
And that pain and those fears are keeping you locked into a devastating cycle, between the trauma of loss, confusion over why they left, the guilt that society dumps on estranged parents, and the compromised functioning in your daily life.
But, while you wait for that day, and estranged parents will know exactly what I mean by "that day," the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again is still very much in your reach. I wish I had a magic wand that could reunite parents with their estranged children, but I don't. Nobody does. But the answers to the tough questions estranged parents have, the path to healing that resonates with them, can be found within.
The first steps to healing from estrangement:
Discard “I can’t live like this another day!”
Own "I want to Heal."
Embrace: “I deserve a better life.”
And if and when the adjective, “tending to heal; therapeutic” appeals to you, it’s time to start finding ways to heal from estrangement as a parent.
The Estranged Parent’s Path To Healing
“I am an estranged parent.” It may be the hardest thing I have found the courage to say, but it was a pivotal point in my healing. With those five words, I could finally accept- and say- that it's not a guilty secret. I did not deserve what happened. It also gave me a new sense of identity to build on. And that's when the healing really started for me.
I have chosen to keep my door open. My children are adults- it’s up to them to decide whether they want to come in. We all have many shared happy experiences and memories to share with our children, and that’s a great building block, if they return.
But I'd rather they came voluntarily, so we can start rebuilding a meaningful relationship, rather than out of a sense of duty or for some other reason. I don't want people close to me if they don't want to be there. I don't deserve that, and neither do they.
And neither do you. So how do you heal? Remember the “you” in that sentence. It’s about you- your life, your healing. Educate yourself about parental estrangement- knowledge is power, find the ways to recover and grow that work for you. It could be faith, mindfulness, gratitude, or therapy. Or all these things. And, above all, lean into the relationships with people who love you and believe in you.
And if and when your child returns, you’ll be a wiser, more whole person. More able to successfully chart a new course. If they don’t return, and there are many, many different reasons why they make that decision, almost none of which you can control, you will still have made a better, happier life for yourself. And that’s a win too.
Ways To Heal As An Estranged Parent
There's no magic pill to heal as an estranged parent, but there are many tools that you can pick up while on your healing path. Some will work for you, and some will work better than others, while some just won't resonate with you, but may work for others.
Nobody knows you as well as you know yourself, so only you can judge what helps you heal, what leads you to a happy, thriving life. For me, for example, writing is a therapeutic process, but my friends think I'm just a bit quirky, even eccentric at times, especially when I'm overwhelmed by the information I glean from my love of learning. But it's all a personal choice.
Perhaps the biggest benefit of finding ways to heal is getting to know yourself a whole lot better- discovering who you really are, what your core values are, and then using the tools available that work for your wonderfully unique being. Healing really is a journey, but it's an exciting one, and the most courageous part for estranged parents is often to accept that you are doing something for you and you alone.
Likely, the skills you learn along the way and the emotional growth will mean that if and when your child reconnects, you are best placed not to mess it up. But it's best not to make that your goal. Look within for you. For you. For your better, happier life.
Ways to heal as an estranged parent:
Take the first steps to healing from estrangement:
Discard “I can’t live like this another day!”
Own "I want to Heal."
Embrace: “I deserve a better life.”
(From Rebuilding your life after kids go no contact)
Get educated:
Source and read as much as you can on the subject of parental estrangement. Watch reels and videos, look out on social media for information that catches your eye and strikes a chord. Read about other parents' experiences, but keep in mind that everyone's story is different. We have a few articles here.
Validate your feelings:
Understand that your feelings are valid and use them as a compass to guide you in life.
Forgive yourself:
Estranged parents tend to take the blame for the breakdown of the relationship. Not only are they judged by society, but they are also their own worst critics. Take a rational look at what you could have done better if you had known better at the time, and forgive yourself. If you can change something about yourself and it makes sense to make that change- i.e., it resonates with your being, do so. Forgive your child too. Then let it go.
Look after your physical health:
The deep depression of parental estrangement, combined with our previous pattern of putting our kids before ourselves, tends to lead us to stuff like poor eating and exercise habits. Feeling healthy is a good platform to start a healing journey on, even if it begins with minor changes, like adding more vegetables or healthy proteins (smoothies work for me, sometimes with cocoa and peanut butter rather than protein powder because it feels like a treat) and doing yoga or more strenuous workouts like high-intensity interval training (HIIT) once or twice a week. Try some ego-lifying for mood-lifting.
Lean into relationships:
There's always at least one person who loves and believes in you, no matter what, and if you look, you'll see there were more all along, but perhaps they didn't know how to talk to you for fear of hurting your already crushed feelings. One of the cruellest twists of parental estrangement is losing you, and your faith in yourself, of allowing thoughts of not being good enough to seep in. When someone else believes in you, loves you for exactly who you are, it’s difficult to dispute this. So accept the version of you that person sees, and especially, share the love they want to offer you. And start building a new family.
Find and own your new identity:
Often, healing naturally enmeshes itself with finding meaning and purpose. Start figuring out who you are and what you want from this life.
Make sure you have a purpose every single day.
If you have miraculously managed to hold on to a job through parental estrangement, you already have a purpose. If not, find meaningful things to do, such as small tasks or planning out a new business. Helping others or giving is another great way to give your life purpose.
Daily rituals:
Whether it's journalling, gratitude, prayer, or anything else that brings you peace, commit to it by setting aside a few minutes every day to do this one (or two or three, or more) thing just for yourself.
Practice gratitude:
For estranged parents, "Focus on what's left, not what left" takes on a whole new meaning. Take stock of what's left, and as you do gratitude prayers and rituals, include a few of these people or things. It's often the simplest things we're most grateful for: waking up this morning, having a roof over our heads, something to eat, and a new, better life to look forward to.
Force yourself to go outside:
Mother Nature is a healer, perhaps the best healer, and spending time under the shade of a tree, or gazing at the stars at night, is time well spent.
Explore and dive into your faith:
God has seen me through many miserable moments and has been central to my healing, but this is an especially personal choice. Faith can be Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Pagan, or any other deeply meaningful, inspirational way of life.
Allow yourself to grieve:
Estranged parents are in the invidious position of losing a living child for whom they are unable to grieve. You have lost someone who meant the world to you, whether it’s temporary or not, and it’s crucial to your healing to find healthy ways to grieve. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance apply to estranged parents just as much as bereaved parents. Investigate ways to address these five stages.
Acceptance:
Work your way to a position where you feel comfortable saying, “I am an estranged parent.”
Seek professional support through therapy:
A good therapist can support and guide you, but maintain psychological flexibility by developing skills to manage difficult emotions and thoughts, such as through breathing exercises, movement, and acceptance of the current situation.
And, above all, live. Your life is meaningful and can be magical if you allow yourself to accept that you deserve no less. Then head out onto the healing path, today, if you have the strength. Tend to healing, as the adjective suggests. It takes some effort, but it’s worth it. Because you’re worth it.
And if and when your child does decide to return, you’ll be ready, you may even have learned some self-awareness and how to put boundaries in place. But don't forget to live while you're waiting.
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