Kinkeeper Reapers: The Heartbroken Houses Of Svengali Spouses & Louses

A kinkeeper- the gatekeeper to the family, is a family member, usually, but not always, a woman, who takes on the role of maintaining family connections and fostering a sense of solidarity within the family circle. Authentic kinkeepers play a key role in keeping the family together, acting as the emotional glue that holds things humming along despite family tensions that rise from time to time. It's a vital role in a world where connection with family is weakening, and mental health is declining, and it comes at an emotional price.

Conversely, there are family members, usually women, but sometimes siblings, who take on the role of kinkeeper via a brutal coup, working to break family connections, isolate particular members, and foster a fiefdom scenario, over which they rule with an iron fist- for their own benefit. They reap from the crops others sowed and, like the Grim Reaper, bring fear and (figurative) death to all who cross scythes with them, killing the family unit on a whim. The kinkeeper reaper, so to speak.

What Is A Kinkeeper

Coined by sociologist Carolyn J. Rosenthal in a 1985 article, "Kinkeeping in the Familial Division of Labor", the term " kinkeeping" involves the often invisible, unpaid work that women usually perform to maintain family connections and the emotional cohesion of a family. Remembering birthdays and planning gatherings are two of the many functions aimed at strengthening familial ties, which are part of the memory maker's job description.

Kinkeepers were women, mostly in middle age, between 40 and 69 years old— the mothers, aunts, and grandmothers in the family, the matriarchs, —who acted as kinkeepers into their 70s, when they would pass the role down to younger family members, ensuring family relationships and bonds were strengthened, developed, and maintained.

But this role is sought after and there are those in the family- related by blood and otherwise, who have their eye on the control and potential benefits of the job.

What Is A Kinkeeper Reaper

Unlike kinkeepers, kinkeeper reapers have usurped the label and perverted the goals, turning this key role into a mantle under which they use devious means to control and extract what they want. Strengthening ties has been replaced with entrenching their role and weakening other ties through false narratives and manipulation, thereby replacing cohesion with chaos —a perfect environment to give them control and get what they want.

The kinkeeper reaper is often the significant other of one of the children in the family, who has been welcomed, and used the time in family situations to note the family dynamics, and carefully exploit any cracks. Siblings can be equally adept at taking advantage of elderly parents under the guise of "kinkeeping." Kinkeeper reapers don't seek to repair the cracks- they actively widen them, as they impose a strict set of rules and adherence to a set of values previously rejected by the family. They break the family and any members in it whom they regard as a threat.

It is not a coincidence that the surge in parental estrangement matches the surge in kinkeeper reapers.

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The Svengali Effect

Svengali is a fictional character, the antagonist in George du Maurier's 1894 romantic novel, Trilby. In the novel, Svengali transforms Trilby O'Ferrall, a young orphan girl working in Paris as an artist's model and laundress, into a great singer by using hypnosis.

Cheerful, kind-hearted, bohemian, but tone-deaf, Trilby is unable to perform until the repulsive, somewhat frightening Svengali hypnotises her and transforms her into a diva. Unable to perform without Svengali's help, Trilby is soon entranced and starts performing in an amnesiac trance.

At a climactic concert, Svengali is stricken by a heart attack and is unable to induce the trance, leaving Trilby unable to sing in tune. The crowd laughs, hoots, hisses, and cat-calls the young singer who, free from Svengali's hypnosis, is baffled. She can't remember anything about her singing career. Svengali effectively erased her identity.

Svengali dies, while Trilby leaves the stage, stricken with a nervous affliction, dying several weeks later, staring at a picture of Svengali.

The Svengali effect, based on the fictional character, is a phenomenon where one person exerts an excessive, manipulative, or controlling influence over another, often subtly, leading to the victim's manipulation into a desired outcome, such as achieving success or carrying out specific actions.

In court, the "Svengali defence" is a legal tactic that portrays the defendant as a pawn in the scheme of a greater and more influential criminal mastermind, much like a Svengali spouse or louse controls the pawn of the kinkeeper reaper.

The "Svengali trick" of magicians is a trick that alternates between regular cards and shortened cards to fool the audience. It's a similar sleight of hand to that deployed by the kinkeeper reaper who creates false narratives to redirect relationships.

Svengali, the Trilby character, either fawned or bullied and had a cynical humour, which was more offensive than amusing. His laughter was always derisive and full of malice. After the publication of the novel, Svengali came to mean a person who, with evil intent, dominates, manipulates, and controls another.

Manipulative Controllers By Any Other Name

While a person who manipulates or controls another by some mesmeric or sinister influence is sometimes referred to as a Svengali, or narcissistic, even psychopathic, its synonyms include controller, guide, and guru. In the last century, offensive words such as fishwife, battle-axe, or shrew (an unpleasant, ill-tempered woman characterised by scolding, nagging, and aggression) were often used in a similar context, but have fallen out of favour because of their misogynistic nature. The term is also no longer descriptive- both genders are displaying this behaviour.

Traditionally, another now unpopular term, gold digger, is someone who enters a relationship mainly for money and gifts rather than for love or companionship. The relationship is motivated by financial gain. The average "sugar daddy" or "sugar mommy" is a typical example.

Yet these are all behaviours that are found in many women and men alike. Like Svengali, the behaviours are all aimed at manipulating a spouse or other family member- the one who holds the family's wealth, for the manipulator's benefit. In the case of the sugars, it's transactional- an exchange of money for sex. In other cases, it gets a lot murkier.

Kinkeeper Reapers: Reaping The Family’s Crops As They Wreak Destruction

Kinkeeper reapers will consciously choose emotional gold-digging partners as spouses. The partners will be isolated from their friends and family, and before long, the kinkeeper reaper will be bitching about doing all the emotional hard labour, even though this was the intention. It's also known as playing the victim and is a tactic deployed to get attention.

Emotional gold-digging is usually driven by a lack of emotional maturity or a societal inability for (usually) men to express vulnerability. The deficit can cause burnout and resentment, but an opportunistic spouse may see this as an opportunity to gain and leverage the lack of emotional intelligence for their own benefit.

When it comes to taking advantage of elderly parents, the louse too will see the opportunity to be exploited as parents get old and frail. It is the weakness that makes the Svengali trick work.

When this happens, there are two poorly adjusted people in the relationship, who often cause significant damage to each other- and to those around them.

While it's easy to dismiss kinkeeper reapers as simply mean and nasty individuals with deep-seated feelings of inferiority or insecurity, it's worth noting that their meanness stems from frustration, envy, anger, resentment, or even hatred.

And a mean or malicious person is a person who hasn't reached the cognitive and emotional maturity necessary for mental balance and wisdom. They simply see the role of kinkeeper as a way to feel important and as a means to feed the dark side of emotional power within them. But in brushing this off, they slowly and surreptitiously take hold, with devastating consequences.

The husband/wife of the kinkeeper reaper —the adult child of the former kinkeeper — will live a carefully controlled, miserable existence. And their children are pawns in the grand scheme of the kinkeeper reapers' game. The parent of the kinkeeper reaper louse will be subjected to cruel living conditions, isolated from help and dependent of the whim of the kinkeeper reaper for all their needs- but the kinkeeper reaper extracts a hevy price in exchange. It's not dissimilar to selling your soul to the devil, who will also pretend he loves you to get what he wants.

Emotional gold-digging is usually driven by a lack of emotional maturity or a societal inability for (usually) men to express vulnerability. The deficit can cause burnout and resentment, but an opportunistic spouse may see this as an opportunity to gain and leverage the lack of emotional intelligence for their own benefit.

At the same time, kinkeeper reapers use their role as the 'better half' to manipulate cross-generational relationships. This is the person who will be threatening to cut grandparents off from their grandchildren long before they have children- their plan is long-term. The kinkeeper reaper drives a wedge between ‘her’ family and the husband’s parents, particularly where the husband tends to be an emotional gold digger, while leaving grandparents out in the cold.

The confusion and helplessness the son’s parents feel as their previously close and comfortable relationship with their own child deteriorates inexplicably. Their child becomes unrecognizable through his agent, the cold, critical voice of their child-in-law. The strong family bonds are broken by the kinkeeper reaper, who keeps their target tightly controlled under their Svengali-style spell.

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Damage Caused By Kinkeeper Reapers

My experience as the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother taught me that kinkeeper reapers cause vast suffering for their children- damage that takes years to recover from, never mind heal- which is a lifelong process that includes careful trigger management. But we can never recover the lost years- time just doesn’t work that way.

Similarly, my experience with a kinkeeper reaper DIL taught me that this particular personality type goes beyond damaging their children- they inflict suffering on their partners by isolating them. They will happily destroy the partner's family and others in close proximity to get what they want.

Siblings too frequently destroy their families to get all the family wealth for themselves.

The results are devastating but for the parent of an adult child in an estranged relationship, this compounds the debilitating effects of parental estrangement on a parent- they are well aware that their child is unhappy, but powerless to help. Anything they do will be misconstrued by the kinkeeper reaper, who will dig their heels in and seize every opportunity to deepen the wedge between the parent and adult child.

How To Survive Kinkeeper Reapers

1. If a kinkeeper reaper is keeping you:

• Find your own identity - this takes self-reflection and a concerted effort to raise your emotional intelligence. It takes courage and hard work, but the rewards are worth it.

• Ask yourself if you want to live this way for the rest of your life. If you do, consider the effects on those around you, particularly your own children. If not, do something about it.

• Get help! You would be surprised to learn that not all your family members are buying into the false narratives.

2. If you suspect a kinkeeper reaper is trying to gain entry to your family

• Effective communication is the key to maintaining good relationships. Communicate with all concerned.

• Suppose healthy communication isn't sitting well with the kinkeeper reaper. In that case, all you can do is fight lies with truth, at every turn of the narrative. Truth, like the sun and the moon, always comes out.

• Pay attention to self-care- the kinkeeper reaper will be looking for weaknesses to exploit.

3. If a kinkeeper reaper has successfully cut you out of your own family:

If this has happened, you will not need me or anyone else to tell you the consequences were devastating- you already know this. Get help.

To pick up the pieces and rebuild your life:

• Get help, professional help if necessary, but seek out the real healers —the people you believe can guide you in the way you need guidance and assistance.

• Accept the new reality: Hard as it is, it's far easier to find a way forward when you are dealing with realities, not hopes and dreams. Hold onto those hopes, but giving them priority often means your life is put on hold as you hope, wish, and pray for a miracle.

• Find your new identity and own who you are: Your adult child has a life, and you need one too- a life defined outside your identity as a parent. It doesn’t mean the past is erased, nor does it entail holding onto parenthood as central to your identity. You are a whole person made up of many parts- this is a chance to bring out the other parts, and live life to the fullest.

• Define your goals and set your limits. In the background, consider what you would do if the adult child wanted to reconcile, but limit these thoughts to the bare minimum —don't ruminate. What new boundaries would you set? What would the new relationship look like? How will you move the relationship forward and let go of past hurts?

• Kinkeepers want to shout the odds, and they have no shame in using their children as pawns to get their way. As the child’s parent, there is nothing you can do but maintain arms-length contact, if it does not create additional strife. Never play the kinkeeper reapers game- their children are not pawns.

• Surround yourself with sunshine people, those who love and support you. It’s also an opportunity to sift out the good people: Those who matter will not mind about the past. Those who mind do not matter.

• Focus on what's left, not what left.

Family connections are vital- they represent the shared DNA and evolutionary process going back millions of years. They are central to our well-being. Targets of kinkeeper reapers- the spouses and louses, will always love their children, but it's just as important that they love themselves- a healthy, happy person will have a far better relationship with all their family members, and may just find it in their hearts to tolerate a kinkeeper reaper. Or let them go completely and make space for a beautiful new life.

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