Children’s Rights & Expectations vs The Corresponding Children’s Responsibilities

Every single child deserves to be treated with dignity. It's their absolute human right. But as a human who enjoys rights, some responsibilities limit these rights, although these duties only emerge as they age.

The cries of a frail human newborn demand and deserve to be answered, the tantrums of a kindergartener too, but by then, society demands that they have reached a level of maturity- with the help of their parents, to tone down their demands, in order to fit in with a particular way of life, which, in turn, will help them to lead happy, productive lives, without constant conflict.

Many adults never grew out of the tantrum stage associated with the so-called “terrible twos.” They continue to grasp firmly onto their anger and spit out vitriol, sometimes for their whole lives. No parent wants to see their child that unhappy.

A Child’s Right To Expect Responsibilities From A Parent

In most countries- and most will agree- children have the fundamental right to dignity, which includes certain rights against their parents, such as:

• To be protected from harm, including maltreatment, neglect, abuse, and exploitation.

• To have access to basic necessities like nutrition, shelter, healthcare, and education.

• To be given a name and nationality.

• To have their best interests considered in all decisions affecting them.

• To grow up in a safe environment.

Some argue that children also have the right to participate in decisions that affect their lives, but this is also limited by their limited ability to make well-thought-out decisions as children. Similarly, many other rights that have become social media fodder cause more damage to the child than the benefits they offer.

Low-stakes decisions on minor issues, such as deciding what to wear or what to eat, can build confidence and give a child the chance to hone their decision-making skills, because, theoretically, the freedom to make choices fosters independence and critical thinking- crucial skills in an adult world.

But a child who exercises his right to freedom of choice by eating mud at every mealtime is not ready to make bigger decisions. He is limited by his own limited understanding of the severe consequences of his decision, and few parents would leave an emaciated child to keep putting their right to eat mud above their survival, their right to life. Parents do usually know best.

And most parents don't need reminding of their child's rights. They automatically and fiercely enforce them because they love their children more than anything in the world and want the very best for them. Despite doing their best, they do sometimes make mistakes. It's part of being human, but tragically, some parents don't see things the same way and use their child for nefarious purposes.

Parents Who Abuse Their Children

Abuse is a highly subjective word, interpreted differently in different circles. The lines between child abuse and child maltreatment have been blurred, yet they are separate concepts that require different interventions.

Well-meaning researchers at Science Direct define child maltreatment as acts toward a child that have a high probability of causing harm to their health or development in a widely read article on the internet. They go on to say that, in addition, maltreatment includes the failure to provide a supportive and developmentally appropriate environment necessary for the child to reach their emotional and social potential. In combining these two concepts, maltreatment, in its broad net of definition, is automatically regarded as abuse. But this is not always true, even if an authoritative source says it is.

Taking the concept to a different level, the American Centers for Disease Control (CDC) published an article on child abuse and neglect. Both cause permanent harm, but again, they are not the same thing. And the article dourly states that child abuse and neglect is defined as all types of abuse and neglect of a child under the age of 18 by a parent, caregiver, or another person in a custodial role.

The literature suggests that the state usurps parental authority, a result of putting parents in the same category as serial abusers. Some parents are, but most are not. Even though there is no such thing as a perfect parent, most try their level best, often under difficult circumstances.

Child Maltreatment

Mistreating a child by failing to provide an environment that will help them reach their full potential, child maltreatment, is a complex subject, with roots far removed from child abuse.

China learned that the “Little Emperors” who emerged from their One-Child policy were an unintended consequence, and not one that was in the best interests of the cosseted children, or the society as a whole. Emperors, big and small, may feel that they are living their best life. But like the lottery, if everyone wins, the spoils that are shared between the winners are dismally small. And that indulged child will grow into adulthood to rule over a tiny, unproductive empire, without the skills to build a better life.

Parents mostly try to equip their child with the skills to be the master of their own universe, but this includes lessons on values such as patience, avarice, temperance, and gluttony. Opinion is sharply divided on how to deliver these hard lessons, especially on the internet, where misleading information is rife and creates unrealistic expectations.

Allowing a child to play as much as they can on the equipment in a playground will definitely develop the child's motor skills, but if many children are developing these skills at the same time, one child's right to access the equipment, which supports their development, is limited by the rights of the others to do the same.

Mothers who insist their child has ten chances when others have only one may have physically strong children in the end, but will have missed an opportunity to teach patience and the value of sharing. And the child’s consequent missing social skills that enhance his mental health will do more damage to his development than good. Similarly, if the indulged child hurts another child pushing their way into the queue, did the parent of the pushed child maltreat their child by being polite and not pushing the first child back?

Complicating the child's access to developmental security are parents' limited time and skills. And their own emotional baggage. While the best intentions are not always good enough, the struggles that limit a parent's ability to meet a child's expectations do not automatically make them child abusers.

So where does one draw the line on maltreatment?

Child Abuse

To be clear, child abuse is never acceptable. It rightly carries severe criminal punishment across the world, and rightly so.

The abuse of one child is one child too many. Yet, a 2022 World Health Organization report indicates that 1 billion children globally are estimated to experience sexual violence, just one of many forms of abuse. And, worse still, sometimes, parents are the perpetrators.

In the CDC article titled "Child Abuse and Neglect," child abuse and neglect are divided into four common types of abuse and neglect (which apply to parents and caregivers):

• Physical abuse: Involving the intentional use of physical force that can result in physical injury.

• Sexual abuse: Completed or attempted sexual acts or sexual contact with a child.

• Emotional abuse: Behaviors that harm a child's self-worth or emotional well-being.

• Neglect: The failure to meet a child's basic physical and emotional needs, as is repeated in the Science Direct article above.

Notably, the actions are attributable to parents or custodians, and exclude child abusers such as pedophiles who abuse other people's children, which is an anomaly. How did child abuse become the exclusive domain of parents?

The problem with the authoritative thought processes is that they label parents as potential shameful abusers without due process and with no regard to the rights of the parents. Simple acts of discipline and teaching our children critical life skills now hover in the criminally prosecutable space, restricting a parent's ability to guide their child to a successful life, which is also not conducive to a child's healthy development.

There are parents who abuse their children and can be prosecuted under the existing criminal codes for abuse, just like any other child or adult abuser.

Still, the lawmakers appear to have taken a holistic approach to child abuse by parents, but many others take up their sword when confusing normal parental imperfections with abuse,, casting the shadow of aspersions over good parents who may not always get it quite right (and most parents don't), rather than holding genuinely abusive parents responsible for their actions.

Therapists are increasingly getting it wrong, and can influence the state, which has autonomous authority over children- an arguably dangerous political space to live in.

Mistreatment Of A Child vs Childrens Responsibilities & Expectations

How the child feels about the way they are treated is important, but surely not more important than the guidance adults can offer to ensure the child grows up as a healthy, happy person. A good balance need to be sought.

A child may feel that they have the right to stay up all night playing games on their phones. A parent has the foresight to know that a sleepy little person won't absorb tomorrow's lessons in class- lessons that will help him to graduate, and go on to a productive life. But abusive parents fall into an entirely different category.

Growing up as the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother, I am intimately familiar with emotional abuse and the damage it causes. A pivotal moment in my healing was realizing that my mother, too, bore scars and had pushed off her pain onto me in an attempt to feel better and to make her life more tolerable.

What she did was unacceptable, but understanding the underlying causes helped me separate my mother, the person, from my mother, the person so wracked in pain she could not bear, so passed it on to me to carry. The many, many years I wasted accepting my role as a scapegoat could have been avoided if my mother had mothered differently, in line with modern child maltreatment theories.

As an adult, the running battles I had with my mother often centered around my demand that she give me space, that she leave me alone rather than harass me to admit to whatever narrative she was creating around her vicious behavior.

The pain of not being allowed to be me, being a non-person, cuts deep. But it also gave me courage and, eventually, helped me find meaning in my life. Suffering can sometimes be a key driver of emotional intelligence and personal growth.

If, as a child, somebody, anybody, had been brave enough or legally required to intervene, my mother would have been institutionalized- her greatest fear realized years before her mental illness caused her institutionalization. But it's not part of childrens' responsibilities to do so. As a child, this would have brought great relief, but a different set of problems: my life may have been a little easier, but the guilt of having my mother locked away would eventually have caught up to me, and my suffering would still be there.

Perhaps, as Viktor Frankl says, suffering does give our lives meaning. And fate has a funny way of keeping us on a particular path to finding meaning, and ultimately, enlightenment.

Unfortunately, by blurring the lines between neglect, maltreatment, and abuse, overzealous authorities and others sometimes unwittingly deprive a child by punishing a parent. This deprivation, had they been a caregiver, would be categorized as abusive. And the blurred lines create unrealistic expectations for children.

Children, too, have been known to weaponize the overarching legislative tools to get their own way- not necessarily a way that serves their best interests. A teenager may claim child abuse to escape into the arms of an unsuitable lover who a parent thinks would destroy the best life they had sought to create for their child.

While they have a fundamental right to human rights, that right, they forget, is limited by the rights of others, and the responsibilities expected of them in return. If a child’s human rights AND responsibilities were universally respected, the next generation would surely have a better chance of creating peace in their time.

Peace, values such as fairness, and respecting the rights of others are central to enforcing human rights. But a generation conditioned to rely on the state for parenthood advice, a generation encouraged to become little emperors without an empire, is a poor plan for building, whether it’s a better nation or a better world.

Parental child abuse is undoubtedly damaging, irrefutably wrong, and needs careful thought and cautious intervention. The sanctity and safety of a family group add value to a child's life and often determine their future successes and enjoyment of life.

And the rights of children are not free: they carry the price of childrens' responsibilities in return.

Is There Such A Thing As A Perfect Parent?

Probably not. But the parent you get is not something you can choose, just like parents cannot choose which child they get. Often, the angry parent passes on their trauma to their children, and the destructive patterns hinder many generations.

People end up bound together genetically for reasons far beyond human understanding. Much like figuring out our life’s purpose, navigating family relationships in a healthy, undestructive way, finding ways to love and support each other is key. The human race has survived, evolved, and thrived for millions of years by recognizing the immense value of community.

A better world, a happier life is what we all seek. It starts with our relationships with our parents. But it takes two to tango.

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