Mother & Adult Children In Parental Isolation: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, But You Can Never Leave
- Megan Maysie
- Sep 2
- 6 min read
Updated: Sep 17
When a new soul enters the world- is conceived, the first human connection is with its mother, forged in the womb and sealed at birth. The root of all human connection begins with the mother. It becomes the template for human love —the driver and GPS of how we navigate our lives, how we relate to others, and how we live.The human connection is an inescapable two-way street.
Perhaps your mother sought to guide you towards a happy, successful life, maybe she decided you were a useful addition to her life, as is the case with narcissistic mothers, or she may have had other burdens that severed the ties early.
There are as many reasons why this foundational attachment becomes dysfunctional early in life as there are reasons why children decide to cut their mothers out of their lives. But, for both mother and child, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave, as the Eagles' song, "Hotel California," reminds us.
We Don’t Get To Choose Our Mother- Or Our Child
Abusive parents are sometimes gifted with a child, choosing abuse over gratitude. And narcissistic mothers and toxic fathers will maintain their control by any means necessary, while, at the other end of the scale, there are mothers who stand by their children and work towards the child gaining independence and going on to a fruitful, happy, productive life, sacrificing much of their opportunities or happiness along the way, albeit that they are still learning along the way. And many other types of mothers in between.
The luck of the fate draw decides who your mother will be, and it's up to us to navigate a life, whether we hit the jackpot, got parents we think are less than perfect, or are far less than perfect. Similarly, parents never know which child they may be given, and while they do have significantly more influence over the trajectory of their child's life, particularly at an early stage, life happens, and it's never that simple. For one, they are both fallible, fragile humans, and mistakes are inevitable. It's how we learn and grow.
Many mothers — possibly most — fasten their children securely to the most tender part of their hearts forever, no matter what their kids do. It's organic, foundational. Inescapable. And it can't be helped - it may be a survival strategy passed down from our ancestors.
Adult children who decide to go no contact can check out of the hearts of these mothers, but they can never leave. These mothers will hold onto this love as their lives dissipate around them, leaving only love and little else. The good mothers are devastated. Even the narcissistic mothers are pretty annoyed that they have to find a new scapegoat, a new source, if the child somehow managed to escape their clutches.
Ironically, the adult children who leave, despite the love, the DNA connection, the infinitely long link to their ancestors, and the happy memories (and there are always happy memories, sometimes squished between between the others, factual and fabricated, in a doomed attempt to erase them), find that these aspects that they checked out, never leave, no matter how much pressure is placed on the adult child by others (including some therapists), or how hard they work on erasing the past.
And so the relationship becomes an entanglement, each one isolated from the other, with the ubiquitous "it's complicated" label, with the absence of clear expectations for a future or mutual understanding of the relationship's status.
Parental Isolation: Mothers Cut Off By Their Adult Children
For most people, the worst-case scenario is losing a life- the ultimate gift to be treasured and cherished. But for most mothers, their worst-case scenario is losing a child. Mothers who are cut off have to face the worst-case scenario, except without the option to grieve or heal, being restricted by the added burden of dealing with a judgmental society, filled with ill-informed people, grievous lies, and aspersions floating around about them, and dealing with the life-destroying sadness and confusion over the separation. All at the same time.
The child left, their mother is left reeling with pain, anger, and every other stage of grieving when a loved one is lost, with significantly more different issues to deal with, and substantially less help available. The enter a vortex of pain that feels like they can never leave, vacillating between the hope and prayer that the child will return, self-destructive thoughts about letting the child go, just to escape the omnipotent, ever-present pain, and concerted efforts to put one foot in front of the other to live among the living, and pretend they are alive, despite being dead inside.
But that foundational attachment is not lost; it looms like a leaden yin-yan medallion around their necks. Until, as author Elizabeth Gilbert once said, they get tired of their own bullshit.
And the mother is isolated in a cage of pain, blame, and shame, while the child isolates themselves from the unconditional, complicated, love of their mother.
Estranged mothers: There's healing at the end of trauma. This gezinta.com series, on Parental Estrangement, focusing on parental isolation, explores this heartbreaking phenomenon, with a few specific intents, including:
Adding to the dearth of useful information that estranged mothers obsessively seek.
Normalising the concept of Parental Estrangement that carries an entirely unnecessary stigma that cages many, many, good people, good mothers, into a dark, dank cave of overthinking and shame.
Exploring and sharing healing paths, because there is not a single human being who deserves to suffer the way estranged mothers do.
Finding meaning, sometimes in the suffering and sometimes in the realization that the suffering was necessary to find meaning and purpose.
Estranged children: This article is not about people with abusive parents. While some aspects may help you heal, finding the right help is key. Please seek out help that goes deeper than words on a website as soon as possible- your future self will thank you. Your mother may be desperately waiting for your call- meet her as an adult, with adult thinking.
Adult Children Who Cut Off Their Mothers
There’s only one reason adult children cut off their mothers: deep, unresolved pain.
Going "no contact" with your mother is a big decision, sometimes taken in haste, other times after a significant amount of conflicted thoughts lead you to the decision, or leave you with no other option.
Adult children may cut off their mothers for many reasons, but the trend is to cite ongoing emotional abuse, neglect, or trauma, labelling the parent as deficient or criminal, creating further divisions. Abuse is never acceptable. Ever. But there are many other reasons (Note: These are REASONS, not justifications) which include:
Unhealed trauma- on both sides.
A lack of boundaries: Unclear or non-existent rules and limits, leading to a lack of personal space, privacy, and emotional independence
Enmeshment: A dysfunctional family dynamic where personal and emotional boundaries are blurred or non-existent, leading to excessive emotional closeness, dependency, and a lack of individual autonomy.
Conflicting values and beliefs
The parents' refusal to acknowledge their mistakes
The need for self-preservation from toxic family dynamics and stress
Lack of effective communication
An adult child's need- and right- to maintain self-identity
A combination of the above
Given the complex, inescapable connection between the two people, it is intensely personal to each, with the child, now an adult, unable to resolve these themselves, and sometimes blaming the parent rather than the reasons.
But when you shoot the messenger, the deep bond often means you will still get hit. The scars will remain, and the reasons, which frequently remain unaddressed and unhealed, follow with you.
Finding healing, getting onto the path to success and happiness, often remains elusive when that path is littered with the ghosts of the past and the unhealed trauma that remains. And, after all, the decision was made to find that happier life. Those things you checked out can never leave- until they are deciphered and settled.
How Does Mother & Adult Child In Parental Estrangement Happen?
In simple terms, which do no justice to the complex issues, an adult child makes the decision to have no contact with their parent, and maintains the distance for an extended period, sometimes years.
An adult child might fear that they lose themselves in the relationship, and don't return for fear of being drawn back into painful dynamics with their mother, or, in some cases, feel too guilty to face their mothers and are unable to get out of the corner they painted themselves into. The mother, who may then be dealing with depression and other issues, deals with any reconciliation attempts clumsily and may also be experiencing guilt and sitting in her unpainted corner.
If neither is ready to face their own shortcomings — shortcomings that are part of being human, but sometimes get out of control — any attempt at reconciliation is likely to be fruitless and may even be more damaging. At least one person must have developed the emotional awareness to guide a meaningful discussion between two adults, who may be entirely different from the person the other recalls.
But, the bond is foundational. The health of a mother-child relationship affects both- either negatively, or can be the foundation for better relationships, better decisions, a better life.
But the family draw - which parent you get and which child you get - may have less to do with who our parents or children are, and more to do with our life paths and the lessons we need to learn. Strive to live your best life; it's your human right to do so, because finding happiness, on a molecular level, despite the pain and suffering, or perhaps because of it, is what we all seek.
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