Deconstructing Parental Estrangement: The Helter-Skelter Trend That Deconstructs Lives

The Helter Skelter scenario is an apocalyptic vision reportedly embraced by serial killer and cult leader Charles Manson and members of his "family" that led to several brutal murders and a multitude of ruined lives. Much like the Parental Estrangement scenario does within families, except the bodies are not physically dead, but the nothingness that is left within can feel like it, until we find ourselves on a healing path, make sense of the trauma, and find meaning and purpose through, not rebuilding our lives, but building a new, beautiful, and meaningful reality.

In a different context, Helter Skelter, the Beatles' song, is definitely not their best work. The words are belted out in a harsh, jarring tone as the instruments churn out tinny, abrasive sounds. And while the context is entirely different, these words could easily describe how estranged parents sometimes feel:

When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide

Where I stop, and I turn, and I go for a ride

'Till I get to the bottom, and I see you again

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-The Beatles: Helter Skelter-

Either way, helter-skelter involves disorder and confusion, the central themes of Parental Estrangement.

Parental Estrangement

When an adult child makes the decision to go no contact with a parent- for many possible reasons, the decision can be life-changing for the adult child- positively or negatively, but when the no contact moves from just seeking distance, breathing space, and space to grow, into a specific, conscious choice to have nothing to do with the parent- to cut them out their life entirely, it becomes parental estrangement. And has significant consequences for both the adult child and the parent.

How did we get to this place where families are destroyed, and the pain of alienation or estrangement forever scars individual lives?

Yet, Familial Estrangement has became a trend. A 2011 article in The Guardian, "A letter to … my estranged daughter," is a poignant plea from a parent. A 2023 Science Direct study indicates that roughly 40% have experienced estrangement at some point, and the American Psychological Association (APA) research on estrangement found that

around 27% of Americans reported being currently and actively estranged from at least one family member. Recent polls show that roughly a fourth of those surveyed are not speaking to someone in their family.

Some history may shine some light on how we got here:

Familial estrangement may have been a thing forever, since the separation of communities, from the early humans who left settlements, perhaps because of conflict, and lived a nomadic life before settling in various parts of the world, has been repeatedly observed by archaeologists and anthropologists. This evolved into conflict between neighbours, then conflict between nations as clans gathered in groups, taking on an identity separate to that of the perceived identity of their neighbours.

Explorers left their homes and families in search of a better life. No social media celebrities were using their family feuds to garner sympathy, attention, or, arguably more importantly, a steady stream of income-generating traffic.

In many kingdoms and empires, kings, emperors, and wannabes killed off their family members to get closer to the crown, and its vast resources and power. Those with nepotistic tendencies shared their good fortune within the family unit. The concept of family, or clanship, is as old as the hills and is central to human life and survival.

At the beginning of the last century, generations moved from being known by an age or era, such as the Ice Age or the Victorian era, to being defined by their particular generation.

While significant progress has been made, the values of the Greatest Generation — selflessness and a willingness to sacrifice for the greater good —have been eroded and morphed to fit a self-serving world, as "me" became more important than "us." The once non-voluntary family system, where lives are shared because values are shared, has been replaced with a different survival mechanism- survival of the fittest, no matter who gets hurt in your race to the top. It’s all about the illustrious me.

And as Mike and the mechanics sing in the song that has become a funeral staple, every generation blames the one before. The trend of blaming your parents has turned into parental estrangement. It's hard to believe that is what evolution was supposed to be about. There must surely be a better reason why we are here?

Reasons Why Adult Children Decide To Go No Contact

The reasons why adult children decide to go no contact are many, including:

1. The remnants of teenage rebellion

2. Establishing their own identity separate from their identity as a child within the family

3. Unresolved conflict

4. Shame of the adult child over their life or lifestyle choices, which may include substance abuse, partners, or friends that parents disapprove of

5. Unhealed trauma and insufficient coping skills

6. Influence of others

7. Escaping abuse: But it must be noted that "abuse" has specific connotations and the term is frequently misused, particularly by so-called “healers” with an unhelpful agenda.

Around the web, others mention other reasons such as feeling too close, opposing values, or disrespected boundaries, but these, I argue, are minor annoyances they experience- often covering for deeper issues.

The decision to cut off a family member, particularly a parent, has become a trend, but the consequences run far deeper than the instant gratification that adult children experience through the freedom that they thought they would find or the indulgence of shifting responsibility and blame. And for a person cut off, especially when it's a parent, the soul-searing pain is life-changing- not necessarily in a good way.

Many factors contribute to the parental estrangement epidemic, including:

• Generational differences

• Changing values in a fast-changing world

• Increased insight into children’s rights & expectations, with too little corresponding interest in children’s responsibilities

• Propaganda that wreaks havoc in families

• A surge in psychotherapy contributes to the surge in Parental Estrangement

• The evolving role of kinkeepers

• An increasing tendency to dehumanize humans, including family members

The helter-skelter of disorder and confusion deserves more attention.

Parental Estrangement Disorder

Parental Estrangement is not a diagnosable disorder- it creates disorder in the families and the lives of the members involved, the kind of disorder described by the helter skelter concept.

Our foundational human connection with our mothers is the basis for our lives and relationships. My life as a rainbow baby of a narcissistic mother started the day I was born, and I spent decades trying to estrange myself, yet I couldn't. But it was only the pain of experiencing parental estrangement as a parent that, after many years of soul-searching and loss that left my life in disarray, I could learn that perhaps it was all meant to be. Maybe the learning, the growth, the suffering were what my life as a human means.

"Life without experience and sufferings is not life."

— Socrates

Socrates, like psychotherapist Dr. Viktor Frankl, reminds us that growth is born from struggle. Without pain, challenge, and change, we don’t deepen. Life’s richness comes not from ease, but from what we survive and learn along the way..

But, before the clarity comes disorder. In abundance. The natural order of things—the birth within a family and the specific roles and identities that follow—are challenged, and lives fall apart before they can be rebuilt. For both the parent and the child, who are both reeling in confusion, some seeking healing or meaning.

Some- myself included- find meaning in the arduous healing process that starts with utter confusion in a haze of guilt, grief, and growth. It's a knife that cuts both ways- children who disown their parents struggle to find meaning, more so when so-called "healers" are pushing them to blame their parents needlessly. When they are faced with their own children to raise, it gets complicated.

Because, ultimately, we are all the product of a long line of ancestors, each one is a part of us as a whole. To cut that out would leave us less than whole, and the more that gets cut out, the more disordered our identities become.

Parental Estrangement Confusion

Estranged parents- shut out and shut up, tend to shut down. Then they burn out. And most parents don't know why their adult child decided to cut them off, and in fact, wanting to know why is usually their number 1 question. Why???

For me, it was a perfect storm that arrived amidst other challenges I was facing. I would describe parental estrangement as:

“It’s like returning from a war, but not against your enemy. It was against those you love the most, and you didn’t even know you were in a war until you had lost the battle. And now you have the kind of PTSD that many often see as self-inflicted. It’s not.”

Parents in Parental Estrangement tend to lock themselves in a cage of pain, shame, and blame, unable to do anything but watch their life slip down the drain. This could explain why there is so little research on the subject of parental estrangement, perpetuating the cruel stigma that prevents healing.

But how could the analytical mind of a researcher ever get their minds around just how complex, conflicting, and excruciatingly painful it is to be discarded by people you love and gave your life for, and how damaging it could be to have your life dissected like a bug on a laboratory table.

Yet therapists can do a lot of damage, often increasing family conflict and distance by inviting adult children to feel contempt or even hatred for their parents. Anger is a powerful emotion that can easily turn into blaming others as a way to relieve self-blame, shame, and guilt. Angry people push back, feeling victimized by the outcomes of their lives rather than looking inward to find solutions- and healing.

Dr. Joshua Coleman, an actual healer, (thankfully) said in his article "When Therapists Encourage Family Cutoffs..."Are We Helping or Harming?:

“But in the same way that hating the sin and not the sinner still involves hate, supporting anger or contempt for a parent doesn’t necessarily free the adult child from that from which they hope to be freed.”

And this philosophy has gained momentum as bad actors promote parental estrangement, exchanging validation with adult children for fame and fortune under the guise of being a "healer." Yet there seems to be far too little actual healing going on, perhaps because of the stigma, or perhaps the parents' reticence. But this needs to change if we want to live in a better, happier world —and not just keep going up and down on life's helter-skelter.

Similarly, adult children paint themselves into a corner, having cancelled their parents as part of the cancel culture they live their lives by. Living in a corner is neither healthy nor conducive to happiness. Parents must take responsibility for their mistakes. But the same applies to the adult child who makes a hard but harsh decision to cut their parents out of their lives.

Some self-reflection on both sides is where healing starts. In that cage of pain, shame & blame, you can only be free once you realize the cage is made of thoughts. How do you think you can structure your life without the people who love you?

Because love, after all, as the philosopher Rumi said, is where the human connection lives.

 "Love is the bridge between you and everything."

Rumi

What Therapists Of Adult Children Who Went No Contact Should Be Doing

Instead of relying on tools to release anger through misplaced blame and manage triggers, we should focus on teaching effective communication skills, honing emotional intelligence in life and relationships, and practicing reconciliation therapy.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to apply when it comes to healing parental estrangement. It's a journey that both the parent and their adult child must traverse to make sense of the suffering and find healing and meaning.

"If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain".

Socrates

When we get to the bottom of the helter skelter ride, we need the tools to go back to the top of the slide, and the wholeness to resist going back down for another ride. Together.

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