Fathers have many weird sayings that come back to us, even years after Dad left. One of my father's "dad sayings" was, "So who promised you life would be fair?" Always a cause to pause, and think, but perhaps not quite as obviously sage as, "Elbows off the table!" it's a fair question.
Life isn't always fair- we get the gift of life but it comes without promises, only holding promise for us to leverage. It's random, and despite expectations and the best-laid plans, sometimes things go horribly wrong. Life happens. Holding on to the conglomeration of hopes and dreams can be challenging because it's often what brings us joy, yet ironically, letting go is the best path to happiness.
Justice and Injustice
In his article, Dialectics of Fairness, author Leon Pennicooke argues that justice and injustice are opposing ends of a complex spectrum lying at the heart of societal progress. The beacon of fairness vs a symbol of imbalance. He defines the two concepts as:
Justice: Fairness, impartiality, and the equitable distribution of rewards and punishments. It's a principle that represents a world where every person has equal access to resources and opportunities, and where rights are protected and respected. Justice brings balance, harmony, and fairness, fostering an environment where people feel valued and protected, and where their rights and contributions are recognized. By cultivating trust and mutual respect, justice promotes peace, cohesion, and prosperity.
Injustice: Where people or groups are treated unfairly or inequitably and some are denied their rights, or when resources and opportunities are distributed unevenly, it could manifest as discrimination, prejudice, or systemic bias. Injustice falls short of the ideal of fairness, perpetuating inequality, and contributing to a society where individuals are divided along lines of privilege and disadvantage. Eroding trust and social cohesion, injustice leads to conflict and instability and denies individuals the opportunity to realize their full potential.
In everyday life, class, gender, and race discrimination are lived experiences, but it becomes intensely personal when one person is singled out, being harassed, and bullied to the extent that it causes trauma and serious consequences. Whether it’s the narcissist trying to gain control, the psychopath trying to inflict pain, or the gaslighter playing cruel mind games, the effect is the same: One person seeking to have the upper hand, to grasp and grab resources, or simply to knock down other people to feel like they are at least better than that one victim. Or so they think...
It’s not fair.
Learning Lessons From Trials And Tribulations
Trouble comes, often in a series of events that in hindsight, seems like something out of a bad movie, but it’s not fiction. Wondering if anybody could believe your lived reality, how events or people took the wind out of your sails, sucked even the tiniest morsel of joy from your life, it’s easy to start doubting, or worse- blaming, yourself. Don’t.
Holding onto mental health often means embracing truths that aren’t comfortable, or that others are sceptical about. Being overwhelmed to the point of being unable to cope can be a symptom of PTSD, but not necessarily. Finding meaning in the suffering takes a long, cold, hard look at yourself and your circumstances, but separating the two. You are not defined by your mistakes. There are lessons to be learned on the path to encountering true peace and joy.
Conditioned to do our best not to make the same mistake over and over, often by our parents and peers, we often punish ourselves for mistakes outside our control, and send our inner beings to outer Siberia as punishment for mistakes we make. Yet life could be so much more beautiful if we recognize these moments as an opportunity to:
Gain knowledge.
Understand what our version of true joy is.
Learn some compassion, for self and others.
Show love, for ourselves and others.
Be grateful for what’s left, and what left.
Grow in self-control.
Sweep away selfish pride.
Bearing the brunt of others' shortcomings and making mistakes doesn't have to be a mortal sin. It's what makes you human.
Multiple Traumatic Events Over Time
Experiencing challenges in waves feels like you’ve turned into a bad luck magnet. Does hardship attract hardship forever after?
Hardship either emanates from or results in loss. South African Jazzy D’s story of loss is a formidable image of the depth of loss, and the victory of recovery. His youth featured a steadfast gaze on a singular goal- the pursuit of success, mixed with some forbidden vices in the form of drugs and alcohol.
Since being inspired at the age of 7 by an uncle who played as a DJ, Jazzy absorbed his techniques, nurturing the belief that, one day, he too would apply these skills. From when he was given the chance to DJ a kid's matinee session at his uncle's gig, there's been no looking back. Despite the adversity that came knocking.
A catastrophic car accident saw him lose the person who constantly urged him not to undersell his worth, and was severely injured in the crash, with doctors casting doubts on his ability to walk again. His DJ’ing prospects seemed bleak with my hand immobilized in a folded position from his wheelchair that became his chariot. Recovery took painfully long as his body needed to relearn the art of walking and on the day he reclaimed his mobility, news of a close friend’s untimely demise cast a shadow of grief and despair. Their shared dreams for the future were abruptly shattered but his girlfriend, Sheila played a central role in guiding him back to the forefront of his career, rekindling the creative flame.
But his life didn’t turn around overnight. After severing ties with a new label, he faced the daunting prospect of starting anew and God's intervention served as a wake-up call, urging him to acquire the skills necessary for self-sufficiency. Shortly thereafter, the doctor summoned his family with the heart-wrenching news that his father had just five minutes left to live. This was the loss of their source, anchor, and strength- the man of their house.
Then came the break-in. Thieves ransacked his sanctuary, taking everything associated with the DJ Jazzy D brand. Despondent and feeling like my life had been taken away, he found solace in the realization that the skills bestowed upon him by God were irreplaceable. No thief could pilfer the talents embedded within him- they were his ticket to resilience and prosperity. But not quite yet.
Two years later, the devil intervened again. A sponsor for a new album terminated the contract and he embarked on a legal battle, only to discover that challenging these giants was an expensive endeavor. Eventually, he reluctantly succumbed, choosing to pay them off for something he knew was not was fault—a decision that would haunt him as one of the biggest mistakes he ever made. It felt like conceding defeat despite knowing I was in the right.
Forced to pay back on the contract, and struggling to survive, he turned to friends for help, grateful for those who extended a lifeline when no one else would but ultimately lost everything in a court-ordered legal process. Alone and desolate, he knelt before his house, surrendering to God's plan, and embracing the uncertainty that lay ahead.
Inspired by a transformative book, Jazzy ventured into online music production services for international clients. And slowly started started rebuilding. It marked a reset in my life, fostering a mindset rooted in love and guided by God's grace. After venturing into the world of TikTok (djjazzyd The GrooveMaster 🇿🇦 🇿🇦), he now finds himself on the brink of realizing his dream of performing in various countries.
Another South African, Nelson R. Mandela said,
“Do not judge me by my successes,
judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”
In finding ways to survive, and thrive, Jazzy’s story highlights how unfair life can be, but more importantly, how those tribulations lead to something beautiful.
Overcoming Tribulations: God's Perspective
When life brings you to your knees, sometimes the only thing you can do from that position is pray. Yet adversity can produce reactions that are the polar opposites of each other: Loss of faith, or finding God.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths”
Wavering faith is sometimes the most difficult thing to sustain under intolerable pressure. Sometimes it helps to just know what to pray for. Every prayer doesn't need to be a formal missive that complies with theological rules. The simple act of prayer is in itself a demonstration that you believe in God, and that's a great start.
Things to pray for when trying to cope with the trials and tribulations of life:
To sustain your faith.
To fill your heart with courage.
To give you the wisdom to find your path.
To grant you patience.
To provide endurance to stay the course.
To meet specific needs- name them.
And above all, to give hope.
Serendipity
Amidst debilitating trauma, dished out to those who don’t deserve it, sometimes, serendipity arrives, illuminating aspects of your life and starting to organize some sort of harmony. Full of vitality and joy, serendipity taps into deep intuition and awareness, reminding us of the countless magical and unexpected forces working in our favor, even if we aren't always aware of it.
It’s an ethereal beauty, a delicate reminder that you're never alone in your journey, one that brings excitement, hope, and anticipation. It brings magic into the ordinary, turns mundane situations into opportunities for growth and delight, and is the manifestation of astonishing help that arrives in times of need, showing that you always have support, even when you feel isolated or overwhelmed. Its message is simple: "Believe in the magic of life".
By being aware of new developments, coincidences, and unexpected help arriving in your life, a mystical guiding force provides instinctual guidance for your journey. Remember to establish trust within yourself and your intuition, and allow the magic in your life to guide you through troubled waters and into sweetness. Use the magic that is now available to you to weave together all the elements of your life into increasingly harmonious patterns. You're not alone in this journey. Believe in miracles - they are happening right now.
Letting Go To Get What You Want
In the face of adversity and devastating loss, the last frontier- our hopes and dreams, are often what we cling to. Although it seems to make no sense, to get what you want, you have to let it go.
It’s the meaning we attach to things that produces the emotion of our life. As author Tony Robbins puts it:
Our EMOTIONS = LIFE
Feeling like a victim brings about negative emotions that make life feel bleak. What we didn't lose, hopes and dreams, bring us joy, because we think we'll be happy if we get what we want. If only I got that job, won the lottery, and met the love of my life. But that joy is a gamble on the future, it's not reality and it depends on external factors. As important as it is to have hopes and dreams- and the goals associated with them, they are not (yet) real in our current lives. The allure is the joy, the emotion attached, but to live life to its fullest, it's the emotion we attach to things we think bring us joy that needs to be checked.
At the same time, we forget that we are the center of our own personal universe. If we don't work on skills to get the perfect job or learn to love ourselves to enable others to love us, these things will never find us. What we want and what we need aren't the same thing. As difficult as it is to let go and accept what is, it is precisely what needs to happen to make space for those things we need, the things that tend to really matter.
Can you let go of your attachment to the belief that someone or something else is responsible for the way you feel? Or that you need something external to make you feel happy and fulfilled? By filling your life with the energy of attachment, there’s no space for life to flow, or joy to manifest. So yes, definitely have hopes and dreams, as many as possible. Acknowledge them, hope for them, then let them go on their way so that they can return. But in real form.
Who Promised You Life Would Be Fair?
In a research paper, The Pain of Unjust Losing: the Feeling of Injustice and the Perception of Pain, authors Wojtyna and Mucha measured pain severity in 80 participants using a thermal stimulus. Their scientific conclusion was that feelings of injustice can increase pain sensitivity and pain itself in those who, after creating expectations, don’t get fair gratification.
Someone promised you the world and failed to deliver? Parents, lovers, others, and even employers make promises to entice us into doing something or being someone. And then we make things even more complicated by creating unrealistic expectations for ourselves. It’s a crazy way to live.
Attaching emotion to expectations is much like blowing a month's salary on the lottery. By making a bigger commitment, the odds are better, but still laughably low. Finding healing from trauma and the unfair hand dealt needs the intention to be happy and whole, and the commitment to take notice of the beautiful things. Look at the uglier aspects and ask if there is anything you can do to change it. If you can't, it's just not worth your time.
Freedom comes from within:
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Sitting guiltily with my elbows on my desk (it helps me think, Dad!), I ask the reader, so who promised you that life would be fair? Life isn't fair because, well, it just isn't. Some days you’re the dog, some days (or weeks or months) you’re the hydrant. But the gift of life is a magical thing, even more so when you are in control of your own destiny.
What’s the secret to a happy life, whether it’s fair or not? Loving the one you have.
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