Life sometimes leaves you with the sense that you’re looking at a huge mountain before you, lost in limbo, and unable to move over, around, or through the mountain. Even the road behind isn’t an option. More often than not, the mountain grew out of some form of trauma.
Searching for the limbo of the lost meaning renders the definition for limbo- it means being in a state of oblivion, cast aside or forgotten. Lost, incidentally, is an inability to find your way. It could also be something taken away, that can’t be recovered. Yet Limbo of the Lost is a game but could just as easily describe how it feels when things go horribly wrong in life. In a state of oblivion, unable to find your way.
A point-and-click game, in Limbo of the Lost the protagonist- Captain Benjamin Briggs, goes exploring, much like we feel post-trauma, as we explore ways to make a life or just get through the day, only the game version is far more fun. It’s different when real life is involved. More like being lost in limbo, somewhere between life and death, or between heaven and hell- in trauma purgatory.
Meaning Of Purgatory
Biblical purgatory
The short answer: It's unclear whether purgatory exists, or- if it does, what happens there. Some say purgatory is a medieval invention, which means it would have emerged between 476 AD and around 1,450 AD. This may be 1,000 years ago, but it also appeared at least 500 years after the birth of Christ and the written word recorded in the New Testament of the Bible, and thousands of years after the books of the Old Testament were written. In the same period, the start of Islam is marked in 610 AD.
References in the Old Testament (OT) appear in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, yet the concepts of eternal life, or being saved are not contained in the OT. Neither is purgatory although heaven is hinted at in Deuteronomy. 30:11-13:
11 Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach.
12 It is not up in heaven so that you have to ask, "Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?"
13 Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, "Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?"
The answer could be in the next verses:
14 No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.
15 See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death, and destruction.
Heaven, it would seem, is a place on Earth. It's within each one of us, and perhaps purgatory too, in our hearts and mouths. Or perhaps we're not meant to know, or as Hamlet says to Horatio in Shakespeare's Macbeth:
"There are more things in heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
Dante's purgatory
Purgatorio, a poem by poet and philosopher Dante Alighieri- written in the 14th century at the end of the medieval Middle Ages, sets out purgatory as a place where you pay debts incurred when you sinned. It's a chance to reflect on these sins and change the psychological tendencies that led you to sin, climbing up the Mount of Purgatorio to reach the highest level- Earthly paradise. The poem is a comedy, and not unlike games gamers play obsessively to reach the highest level or beat the game.
In purgatory in Purgatorio, the obstacles are love- either perverted love aimed at harming another, deficient love, or the excessive or misplaced love of good things, because, the theory goes, all sins arise from love. In the poem, prayers are the keys that unlock the next level- the prayers of the soul and other souls in purgatory and prayers of the living.
The connection between souls is beautifully illustrated as the prayers shorten the time spent in pre-purgatory, where those who have been excommunicated and the late repenters land on the shores of the island, while the souls of the damned are left behind.
Drawing on Christian theology, the souls work through a particular sin on each level- or terrace and can leave voluntarily when they have corrected the flaws that led to them committing that particular sin. Souls then level up through the 7 terraces- based on their motives, rather than actions, over the 7 stages of sinfulness which are aligned with the seven deadly sins:
Seven terraces of Purgatory:
3 Purgatory levels relating to perverted love intended to cause actual harm to others:
Terrace 1: Pride: The arrogant thinking that “I” am better than “you.”
Terrace 2: Envy: “I want it because you have it. I deserve it more than you.”
Terrace 3: Wrath: Dumping toxic anger on another doesn’t take the toxins away, they continue to eat away until the cause is addressed.
Purgatory level relating to deficient love (i.e. sloth or acedia):
Terrace 4: Sloth (Acedia): By staying in a comfort zone of mediocrity, there is no personal growth, no real joy.
3 Purgatory levels relating to a disordered or excessive love of good things:
Terrace 5- Greed- for wealth or material gain, the proverbial money that is the root of all evil.
Terrace 6: Gluttony: Over-consumption, whether it’s binge-eating, binge-watching, or binge-shopping, doesn’t satisfy the soul
Terrace 7: Lust: When sex is the flow of energy between souls, it’s beautiful. When it’s the relief of physical needs at any cost, or driven by the need to dominate- as rape often is, it’s lust, not love. (This is not about fantasies and fetishes between two consenting adults)
The last level is Earthly Paradise, tying up to Deuteronomy 30:15, where we are given life and prosperity, and at the same time, death and destruction.
In the case of trauma purgatory, it is our responses to the seven deadly sins that keep us locked into the limbo of purgatory- somewhere between heaven and hell, often feeling as though our lives are hell on Earth with more destruction than life and prosperity.
Effect Of the 7 Deadly Sins on Victims Of Trauma
Some people are like trees, taking forever to grow up or to work through their 7 deadly sins, and sow misery in their wake with impunity. By not realizing that these terraces prevent an authentic, healthy love connection with another human being, unequal relationships are a panacea to remain in a state of acedia, or apathy. Juxtaposing the effects of the 7 levels of Dante’s purgatory on the victims of those still working to earn a place on the 7 terraces. These are the 7 deadly sins:
Pride: Minimizes you as a person, and attacks self-esteem.
Envy: The real you goes MIA in fear of upsetting an envious person.
Wrath: Your versions or opinions don’t matter.
Sloth: Feelings of unworthiness emerge.
Greed: Takes away the things that define you- your self-identity.
Gluttony: Affects the gluttonous, but where it comes from joint finances, one partner is left having to do without.
Lust: When combined with domination intent, it can be deadly (This is not about fantasies and fetishes between two consenting adults).
And that’s all in addition to the physical damages of trauma...
Post-trauma suffering- with its debilitating effects, can feel like not quite living, just getting by, dragging a heavy burden of pain with you. over your shoulder, dragging you down. Letting go of that may be the hardest part of the healing process because it becomes an uncomfortable comfort zone, easier to hold on to the familiar for fear of encountering more pain.
Trauma purgatory means facing the mountain of pain and and suffering and finding the strength to climb to the top, where you will find the real you, the happy you, the you living the life meant for you. And as you climb, you will lose your footing every now and then, falling back down a level or two. Don't give up, just try again tomorrow.
As Dante puts it in the sequel to Purgatorio, Inferno:
“There is no greater sorrow than to recall our times of joy in wretchedness."- Dante
But what if we voluntarily leave trauma purgatory and risk pain by connecting to the world? Do the pros outweigh the cons?
Living Between Heaven And Hell
When a traumatic event has happened, or multiple traumatic events have happened, that moment, or those moments, is where time stops. Everything else points towards it. The past ended, and the present suffering emerged from it.
There's a tendency to look at the past with nostalgia, whether you have experienced trauma or not. It's just human nature to forget some of the less pleasant stuff and retain the good things, our brains are wired that way. Post-trauma, we cling to that past, hoping upon hope to return to the utopian existence we see through our rose-tinted memory bank, while the trauma- with its flashbacks and nightmares, remains at the front of our minds. We live in our own personal hell of suffering, longing for things to return to the way we'd like to remember they were.
But every now and then we allow ourselves hope for a fabulous future, free from the event/s. If only justice were served, the person who caused our suffering would ask us for forgiveness, or something would shift in our favor. We even ask our guardian angels to help! Building our potential future heavenly existence on external things, we ignore the potential for happiness within ourselves.
Then these external things don’t materialize, and as we grow increasingly frustrated, we find ourselves slipping further from the mountain that is ours to conquer, unable to go back or move forward, healing becomes an exercise of running down rabbit holes, like Alice in Wonderland.
But small things start resonating, and heaven isn't a one-day journey away, glimpses do start appearing. Mindfulness- keeping our focus on the present, is a meaningful way to start the trip. But at some point, we must consider the future, and how we will take control of our own destiny.
“The path to paradise begins in hell." Dante Alighieri
Phases Of Trauma Recovery
We all respond to different methods differently. Therapists and life coaches play a crucial role in mapping out recovery paths and guide their people toward recovery, embracing life, and healing. But the outcomes are not things that someone can give you: they have to be taken, embraced, and worked on.
For me, the stages of trauma recovery are:
Traumatic event/s
Reel in buried, hidden pain, the thinking being that it can be overcome, you're a strong person after all.
Symptoms of PTSD seep out into daily life. Anxiety and depression shadow you while you make valiant attempts to be "normal."
Unable to cope.
Search obsessively for ways to heal.
Discover that what works for other people doesn't work for you.
Lose everything, or almost everything. Including yourself.
Realize there are still people in your life who care and believe in you. Reach out to them.
Consider yourself to have some value, despite being guilty of a few deadly sins. The most important part about rebuilding a life is to acknowledge that you deserve it.
Find your faith, forgive everyone, and yourself.
Let go of the pain and- even more difficult, let go of the past.
Recognize the many blessings in your life, and those on their way, acknowledge them, and be grateful (Gratitude is a powerful way to spend the first few minutes of the day).
Find ways to build a future, and even better start being hopeful that at least some of those ways can work.
Face your fears and find the courage to just be. And the courage to just be you.
Be you.
It would be wonderful to say it's that simple, but it takes years as we vacillate between the phases, and have to return to a few many times before truly embracing them. By being kind to yourself, and practicing a little self-love, miracles happen. Just not overnight.
Facing Your Fears: The Courage To Be
Trauma can bring out so many fears, including:
Philophobia: The fear of falling in love.
Atychiphobia: The fear of failing.
Pistanthropia: The fear of trusting.
Atelophobia: The fear of imperfection or making mistakes.
Autophobia: An intense, groundless fear, it comes from the Greek autos (self) and Phobos (fear)- self-fear.
Cherophobia: The fear of being happy.
Phobia of Phobias: The fear of fear.
But by far the worst is the fear of being a worthy person and that extends to the self-confidence and self-esteem to live life fully, meaningfully, and happily. Sometimes hearing what others have experienced and what worked for them helps, but if you suffer from Allodoxaphobia: the fear of hearing other people's opinions, it may be a good idea to put that on the list of things to come to terms with and work through. And to have the courage to live and be.
Being In Limbo And Getting Out Of Limbo
I lived in trauma purgatory for years, languishing in limbo. It was only when I started seeing that while trauma put me there, in a way I was keeping myself there, not knowing how to find a foothold on the mountain that led to the real me. I found the first one by telling myself I’m an idiot, repeatedly, and about every small thing, unthinkingly. Until one day I stopped and realized it was an idiotic thing to say.
The second one was acknowledging the skills and talent I have, and learning new ways to make them central to my life. It took a few more years to look at, learn about, and engage in healing practices until it dawned on me that I have value, I am someone, and I deserve better.
It took a lot of courage to say that last sentence, but suddenly footholds started appearing and whether I was practicing gratitude, engaging in prayer, or connecting with other human beings who had stood by me, those holes in the mountain kept appearing until I finally realized that the best- but perhaps the hardest, route to finding meaning to life is through healing. I'm still finding footholds, but the journey has become far easier, more blessed, and vastly happier, mainly because I now recognize happiness when I see it and can reach out and take it. We all deserve happiness. Even me, and definitely even you.
Celebrating the journey rather than any particular destination (other than being happy), I expect- and hope, to still be looking for and finding footholds on top of my mountain the day I leave this Earth. It takes years to descend into the state of hopelessness that eventually follows trauma. And more years to claw your way back, although for some it’s a shorter journey.
But the funny thing is, there’s no going back, the past is passed, and thankfully so. I lost a lot along the way- almost everything, including myself. But I found my way back to a new life, a better life that’s aligned with my soul, to me. Perhaps that was the meaning all along.
Some days, being on the upswing feels a lot like there’s still a mountain to climb, and you slip down occasionally but remind yourself to head back up. You can have a bad day, but don’t stay there. Because at the top is you- the real you, living an authentic life with meaning. Happiness is a choice, and happiness heaven is worth leaving hell behind for.
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