In three words, a man not exactly renowned for being vulnerable fleetingly opened his heart and soul to me. And my brain nearly exploded.
Relationships so often have shadows that are co-collaborators. They come in the form of past relationships, current connections like friends and family, and past unhealed trauma bundled into a heavy package that goes everywhere with its owner. Trauma isn't always just those things recognized in the mainstream but includes past hurts and failures that affect the person and which remain in their head, peeking out at sometimes inopportune and unexpected moments, or manifesting as disorders and dents in mental well-being.
When an emotionally distant man gives you a little clue, it's like a lightning bolt that sparks overthinking into overdrive. Whether it's 3 little words, a look, a touch, or an uncharacteristically awesome thing he does for you, we sometimes miss the opportunity to dive in deeper there and then.
I missed the chance that day because I- like everyone else, also brought my own baggage into the relationship. So here's my overthinking about it.
Why It's Important To Know If A Man Is Emotionally Unavailable
Knowing a person completely is almost impossible. Everyone keeps their little secrets and skeletons. Sometimes there's stuff they are not proud of, sometimes it's a deeper pain that they are unable to release, and sometimes it's just hard to trust someone with your heart that's trying to heal. But sometimes people are just playing games.
Relationships stand a better chance of being successful if there are:
Shared values: Fundamental beliefs, concepts, and principles that define us, values influence our behavior and decisions. Shared Values link people together, and the more there are, the fewer the clashes of will that arise.
Clear ground rules: Rules of engagement are seldom cast in stone, but understanding- and respecting the other's boundaries leads to a deeper sense of working together towards a goal rather than working in opposite directions.
An understanding of each other’s needs: In Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages, he illustrates how different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. Knowing whether giving or getting love or trust is what resonates more profoundly with each other brings deeper understanding and better communication. When you understand and recognize these needs in yourself and your loved one, conflicts can be identified.
Sometimes it's love at first sight, and at other times unexpected feelings creep into liaisons. At some point, at least one person will know that they're in it for the long run or are in too deep to give the relationship up easily. It's a good time to start looking at whether there's a clear path to a future together. If it will work.
Being emotionally distant makes it difficult to really know and understand what drives a person and whether the crucial elements you need, the basic parts in figuring out a roadmap together, are an inherent part of both partners. Trusting your instincts and intuition goes a long way, but recognize that emotional unavailability may play a role on an ongoing basis. If emotional availability is a critical factor, it's likely to play a big role in the future, making it challenging to be on the same page.
The key to a healthy fulfilling connection is to understand each other better, with mutual emotional engagement. Trusting each other enough with your heart takes time and effort, but means connecting profoundly, and growing closer through effective communication facilitated by insight into each other's needs. Love is often what gives our lives meaning.
Signs Of Emotional Unavailability In A Man
Men find it especially difficult to admit to trauma, but many women do too. Both deprive themselves of a chance to heal, a chance at happiness, by refusing to face and deal with things in the past that sometimes went horribly wrong. Trauma lurks in the dark corners of your mind, sending out signals that keep getting louder.
In emotionally unavailable men, expressing themselves is complicated by their own confusion, often not owning their own feelings. Without a GPS to guide them through what their feelings are and how to express them, an emotionally unavailable man often shows some or all of these signs:
Don’t make an effort: Even after explaining your position, emotionally unavailable men have difficulty finding and verbalizing feelings, choosing to just carry on as before as though nothing matters. As though you don’t matter- a potentially damaging for you.
Don’t talk about their past in detail: Some things are personal and very few people show and tell everything. It’s normal. But when a man is a closed book, or even lies about details, it’s almost impossible to draw closer or deepen your connection.
Can’t or won’t open up to you: Always on guard, their responses seem measured and cryptic rather than part of natural conversation flow. Even in a safe space, they have mastered the art of turning the conversation back on you to avoid disclosing how they feel or what’s really on their mind. Feelings are bottled up and understanding what he is trying to say when he talks in anger can be difficult to decipher.
Seems unreachable: Physical distance, not wanting to spend much time together, taking a long time to respond to your messages, or only reaching out when they need something (like a booty call or favor) is emotional distancing.
Gets uncomfortable when you show emotions: As soon as you move away from facts and logic into expressing frustration, anger, or sadness for things outside the relationship- like a micro-managing boss, an injustice that riles you, or a pet in distress, he shuts down because he simply doesn’t have the skills to process his emotions or yours.
Unable to Empathize: Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Unable to live vicariously or- more often, unable to admit to being sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of other people, an emotionally unavailable man can’t validate your experience or understand where you are coming from.
Wants physical intimacy, not emotional intimacy: Preferring physical closeness over emotional intimacy, emotionally unavailable men don't want to deal with the heaviness and seriousness of emotions. Fervent isn’t a word they can demonstrate and they are masters at getting handsy in the middle of potentially deep, personal conversations, distracting from the words they don’t want to delve into.
Sarcastic much?: Sarcasm, they say, is the highest form of intelligence. Others argue that it’s the lowest form of wit. When men use sarcasm or jokes to brush everything off it’s a strategy to cut off any chance of delving deeper into how they- or you, feel.
Can’t commit completely: Commitment extends further than permanent partnerships or marriages. Loyalty is commitment too but if a man can have an honest conversation about not being able to commit, they are emotionally aware.
Struggles to trust you, even though you have never given him reason to doubt your bona fides.
If you feel like you’re constantly trying to solve a puzzle, on the lookout for clues to his inner being, or translating his words and actions to understand what he is trying to say, there can be little doubt that he is emotionally unavailable.
Trust is key, which explains my confusion when an emotionally unavailable man took a huge step forward in his personal growth and development when he said these three words to me:
I Need Trust
Is It Even Possible For An Emotionally Unavailable Person To Be In Love?
Love may be blind, but it can also blindside you. Love is an intrinsic human need, everyone needs it, wants it, and looks for it, but emotionally unavailable people try much harder to avoid this simple rule of life.
Anyone can fall in love. But remaining in the state of being in love awakens conflicting feelings in an emotionally unavailable person as their need and desire for love battle their need for self-preservation. Fears often prevail.
Because of their history, it takes far longer for an emotionally unavailable person to fall in love. Their confidence has sometimes taken a knockhttps://www.gezinta.com/post/confidence-lost-courage-to-return-to-youTheir emotions have been tightly locked down, so it takes a while to just find the key to unlock to door. As they open the door just a crack, doubts start emerging and fears loom large.
Bearing in mind that they do want to be in love, it’s unlike the experience of people who have their emotions in check. Unavailable people have to fight their brains to connect to their hearts, as Gary Zukav describes in his book, the Heart of the Soul. Zukav says,
“The longest journey you will ever make is from your head to your heart.
We are all on this journey.”
This is why it takes an emotionally unavailable person far longer to fall in love and be in love, as doubts erode trust, taking the person on detours along the way. Emotionally unavailable men find it easier to be in love when he has the certainty that he’s not committing the control of his heart to someone who would break his trust. So it takes a while before he owns that the person really does have his back because others have plunged daggers into it in the past.
Signs That An Emotionally Unavailable Man Is In Love With You
Words matter. You never really know what other people are struggling with but for emotionally unavailable men, they are often trying hard to fight their demons, to see through their confusion, and- especially, to find happiness. But they can't show the world what they see as a weakness, or be vulnerable.
Connecting with another human being may be one of the most blissful and meaningful feelings a person has in this life. You know when there’s a connection, you feel it in your heart and soul. With emotionally unavailable men, that connected feeling ebbs more than it flows, but if you’re feeling it he’s trying, and that counts for something.
Maybe he’s in love with you, maybe he’s not. It’s a challenge to work out whether you have a love-infused future together.
There are signs that an emotionally unavailable man is in love with you which include:
He opens up to you.
Meaningful communication starts becoming normal.
He asks for your opinion and listens, sometimes even takes it.
He gives away secrets about his past, trusting you despite being burned by others in the past.
He starts saying “we” instead of “I” because he sees you as a big part of his life.
You are his priority and are part of his plans.
He takes you places, and you meet his friends and colleagues.
He introduces you to his family
He talks about a future with you.
How you feel is important. Without having developed emotional intelligence, people can't empathize and when your feelings are important, it's either a sign of his personal growth or he is willing to step out of his comfort zone for you.
But, unfortunately, some of these signs are just techniques that an emotionally unavailable man uses to keep you interested. Listen to your real friends and intuition, both have your best interests at heart.
How to Tell If Someone Is in Love with You, Not Just Emotionally Dependent
Relationships are seldom equal and it varies. One person often feels like they love the other more. It’s not a competition and realizing that people feel and express emotions differently is a great equalizer.
A study on emotional dependency based on the gender of young adolescents in Spain suggests that emotional dependency is a persistent pattern of unsatisfied emotional needs that people try to satisfy in a dysfunctional way with other people. The research indicates that there is no significant difference based on gender when it comes to whether or not a person is going to experience emotional dependency.
When one person is emotionally dependent on the other, it suggests that they are feeding needs other than the need for love. The person they profess to love is indispensable to their life because they create a balance to roller-coaster feelings they are unable to manage. If you’ve established that he’s not a narcissist or worse, there are signs that it's love, not emotional dependency:
It’s not toxic love: Many actions qualify as toxic when it comes to love. Mental, physical, or emotional abuse are indicators that extend to manipulation, control, shame, emotional blackmail, or other damaging behaviors.
You’re not afraid to be alone you choose to be with him specifically, rather than just choosing to be in love.
It makes you feel happy to spend time together.
You are happy. With or without them, a deep sense of happiness permeates most days.
You love your life and have inner peace.
Your relationship is a safe space that gives you peace.
You don’t feel pressured or do things to keep him- or keep him happy.
You don’t seek validation or approval from him.
You love him for who he is, not what he can do for you, or what you think he could turn him into.
You trust each other implicitly.
The researchers say the best way to become emotionally stable is by learning how to gain emotional intelligence. Part of this is learning to trust and be trusted.
Trust And An Emotionally Unavailable Man
Love is about giving and sharing. Emotionally unavailable people lock up their feelings and pretend nothing is going on. Symptoms of PTSD can play a role. It takes a lot to trust other people but ironically, they need other people to trust them.
It's a catch-22 when you can't offer trust but want it in return because trust doesn't work like that. Like love, it's a two-way street and it can easily slip into a battle of wills over who will trust first. Those battles have about as much prospect of success as solving the question of whether the chicken or the egg came first.
Despite having genuine feelings for you and caring deeply about you, an emotionally unavailable man’s tolerance for a lot of vulnerability is typically low. Emotional unavailability is a defense mechanism that emerges from past traumas or disappointments. The vulnerability fears experienced are sometimes a pattern learned in early childhood, for example when a man is told as a child that big boys don't cry and other toxic masculinity traits that are a generational curse.
People may also become emotionally unavailable temporarily after a period of extreme stress or life change. Understanding the underlying cause is difficult when the person struggles to communicate emotions effectively. An emotionally unavailable man can’t accept and express how they are feeling, especially if they don’t trust you. Yet they often don’t acknowledge your feelings when you hurt or make them happy which makes it difficult to connect on a deeper level.
If it’s got to the stage that you need to decide if the relationship aligns with your desires, understand that it’s not about blame but about understanding each other better. One of the many ironies is that they may be in love with you without even knowing it themselves. But to pave the way to a healthier, more fulfilling connection built on mutual emotional engagement- an authentic love relationship, decisions must be made.
Be patient, be kind, be yourself. But there may come a time when you have to pull the plug when he’s not fulfilling your emotional needs. Because he can’t. How you want to live is an intensely personal decision and when we have experienced trauma, we sometimes miss the reality that some people are only in our lives for a season and a reason.
If an emotionally unavailable man can't give you what you need, be grateful that he showed you what doesn't serve you, and may have led you to your own path to happiness. He may have a place on that path forever if he can walk beside you, hold your hand- engage with you fully, and share the journey in meaningful ways. Love is a precious commodity, but multiplies when it flows between people with an authentic connection.
And my head hasn’t exploded. But I’m grateful that I did get the chance to learn a whole lot of lessons about trust- how meaningful, fragile, and precious it is.
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