Love, a fundamentally foundational part of being human, has its flaws too. The utterly magical way love embraces us, flowing through our hearts, minds, and souls can turn into a toxic stream when it's not reciprocated, making us miserable or bringing out the worst in us as we relentlessly pursue a hopeless cause. Limerance is that intense longing for another person who either doesn't know we exist or wishes we didn't. It's a love crush on steroids.
What Is Love?
The dopamine-inducing, mood-lifting, and compellingly mesmerizing feeling of being connected to another human makes life worth living. Keeping us going when everything else goes wrong, and amplifying a good life, love makes us feel like we can conquer mountains. Love can be romantic, it can be the love we have for our children, family, and friends, or it can be the feeling we get about an activity or thing.
I love writing, but it’s not quite the same as the love I have for people, although it definitely also has unpredictable and frustrating moments. In the same way, people can fall in and out of love but the essence of the feeling remains even after love leaves. Unless one person keeps holding on or holds out hope that the object of their affections will one day return their feelings, as described in the Haddaway song, What is love?:
Types Of Love
The ancient Greek Philosophers- according to Wikipedia, identified six forms of love:
Familial love (Storge): As we take our first breaths in this new life, most are met with the love of their mother. Further family bonds- characterized by deep affection, loyalty, and respect, develop into healthy attachments that ground us, providing structure for future relationships.
Friendly love or platonic love (Philia): Devised by Plato, platonic love is a bond between two people without sexual elements and is based on the attraction between souls rather than carnal attraction. It draws on wisdom and true inner beauty, as opposed to romantic love.
Romantic love (Eros): A profoundly alluring connection between two people, romantic love blends passion and intimacy with commitment. Featuring trust, empathy, and respect, people in love tend to grow together in phases.
Self-love (Philautia): Appreciating self, taking care of your own needs, and fostering a positive relationship with the person you are, self-love finds ways to not fixate on societal ideals or perceived flaws. It's about recognizing that you matter.
Guest love (Xenia): The relationship between a guest and host- so-called guest friendship, guest love is based on the ancient Greek concept of a ritualized friendship that requires reciprocity, generosity, and gift exchange. In modern times guest love seems to have been reduced to a public relations exercise.
Divine or unconditional love (Agape): The perfect love of the Divine is overarching, infinite, and unconditional. It asks nothing in return. The love a parent has for a child perhaps comes the closest to unconditional love, but not always.
Other types and styles of love can be found in literature and life, including the concept of limerance, developed by psychologist Dorothy Tennov who coined the term. She reimagined the word "amorance" to describe a concept in her work after interviewing over 500 people on the subject of love. In her book Love and Limerence, she writes that limerance is considered to be romantic love, passionate love, or infatuation distinguishing between this and other less-overwhelming emotions:
According to Tennov, “to be in a state of limerence is to feel what is usually termed 'being in love’.” Sometimes compared to a crush, but much more intense, limerance describes what one person feels and has no reference to the person with whom they are in love.
In modern times, humanized AI opens new avenues to what some perceive as love. They may be criticized for relationships with robots and simulated people, but nobody can deny that the feeling experienced in many cases is love. Love is an intensely personal emotion felt by a particular person for another.
An Unrequited Crush
Adoration and devotion do wonders for our self-esteem, but flirting without follow-through- fun though it is, can be folly. Intention is everything and engaging in conversation sometimes leads to something, and sometimes leaves only one person with an insatiable desire for the other. A fixation they experience as love, with all the good feelings that can be addictive.
Figuring out who is in love with you has its own challenges. Some love-struck person put flowers under the windscreen of my car for a while some years ago. I worked out that they worked with me in a big organization leaving the field quite wide, but the fact that the choice of flower was my personal favorite was initially charming until I got over feeling flattered and realized that it's a little disconcerting. I like a good mystery but don't really want to play the part of the dead body in the next Netflix crime series.
I never did find out who the person was, but later came to understand that it doesn't just happen to weirdos or psychopaths, having found myself experiencing strong feelings for people who just didn't feel the same way. It happens to everyone but at some point, we realize that the person either isn't interested or isn't good for us. This is how self-love counters toxic romantic love.
There’s something extremely addictive about being in love, daydreaming about romantic encounters, or even secretly planning a future together, but both these things require two people to be more or less on the same page. If feelings aren't reciprocated, it gets messy as many celebrities with stalkers know.
Signs the other person just isn’t that into you:
They said so: If someone tells you or shows you how they feel, believe them.
They are in another relationship: Regular promises to leave don't materialize but even if they do, be aware that you are getting involved with a cheater and the chances that they will cheat on you are high. It may be Karma but it's more likely a personality trait.
They show zero interest: If you are the one doing all the work, you’re just being used.
They avoid spending time with you: We want to use every possible opportunity to spend time with people we love. Excuses- some good, some patently weak, are disrespectful.
Your emotional needs are not met: When it’s all about them there’s a problem. Love is a two-way street.
They friend-zone you: Platonic love and romantic love are not the same thing.
They treat you badly: Whether it's just making demeaning comments or abuse, love is unselfish and if someone loves you, they want the best for you, and for you to be your best self.
You are anxious about the relationship or perceived relationship: Instead of excitedly looking forward to encounters, they become stressful before they happen. If the pressure you put on yourself is excessive, you may be trying to be someone you think the person you love will like. It's counter-productive because you want them to love you, the real you.
It’s unrealistic: Thinking you can make someone love you is a sign of far deeper issues. Forcing someone to do something points to control issues rather than love. Rather than spending time figuring out how to get them, work on your own feelings and issues.
Wanting people we love to be happy, and sharing in their joy is one of life's most precious things. Love is shared, not demanded, and never imposed on someone. Experiencing feelings of love- even unrequited love, can be addictive and it's often the feeling that drives the obsession. Imagine for a moment you feel that way about yourself. Then seek ways to find a balance that leads to happily ever after for both.
Addicted To Love
Is it normal to be Addicted to Love? It depends on how you define normal. When you love somebody, you want to share your life with them, share yourself wholeheartedly. In a healthy relationship, love rules, but sometimes love becomes an addiction, either to the person or to the feeling of being in love.
Like any other dependency, being dependent on or addicted to love can negatively affect your well-being. Producing extreme highs, love is hard to resist. It draws you in and leaves you wanting more. Love- like addictive substances, triggers a massive response in the brain, releasing a pleasurable surge of dopamine. While it’s a natural reward, it’s not necessarily always healthy and often emerges in people with an addictive personality.
We hold love, or even just falling in love, very close to our hearts. Love is a very real and meaningful human emotion. It’s also mostly necessary for our survival as a species as in our society: we fall in love, sometimes get married, and procreate. But when love becomes a harmful attachment that we can’t let alone, it’s likely because of an addiction.
What is love addiction and when is it a problem?
Research suggests that romantic love can be addictive, literally. When it comes to the most extreme, harmful forms of love or love-related behaviors the relationship between love and addiction needs exploration. Well-being- or lack thereof, is ultimately the key factor in establishing whether addiction is at play.
People whose lives are negatively impacted by love need support and may also need the kind of treatment opportunities that work for substance abusers to regain their healthy, whole selves. It's not just about healing from love that's gone bad, it goes to the heart of the negative effects of addiction and establishing whether there is harm or suffering, both concepts that are the polar opposite of what real love is.
We can be addicted to a person or the way love makes us feel.
Addicted to the person or relationship
Developing self-awareness, ironically, often leads to awareness of how others feel, and allows us to empathize. When you become emotionally dependent on a romantic relationship to the extent that your constant attention results in neglecting other important parts of your life or negatively affects your well-being, you are giving up crucial parts of your being that make up the same whole person that both you and your partner needs you to be. It’s counter-productive and could be a sign of obsession.
Love needs to be worked on, to be nurtured and loved. But not to the exclusion of everything else. When a person defines their identity only as one part of a relationship, it limits them from seeing their own value and finding meaning by giving their whole selves.
In the same way, an addiction to a person gives the lover a blinkered perspective, excluding many other possibilities that would add value and meaning to their lives. Being committed to a relationship- to love, is a noble, healthy, normal thing. Know the difference and find that happy medium between love and life if the joy of living your best life is what you seek. Love will always be a central part.
Wise words from the poet, Rumi:
“If I love myself, I love you. If I love you, I love myself.”
Addicted to the feeling
Who can resist the feeling of being in love, that sensational sensation that writers have been trying to describe for centuries? Rumi also said, “Love is the water of life. Drink it down with heart and soul.” Few would disagree.
We need love to thrive and even to just survive. But love isn’t just a dopamine hit. Love is a multi-faceted interplay between human beings, and is best served with love, not obsession. There’s also something unbelievably appealing about sex when it’s combined with love, but they’re not the same thing.
Reducing love to a feeling rather than a state of being, or way of life does it no justice. Similarly, an obsession with love is an oxymoron.
Obsessive Love Disorder
Not a medically recognized disorder, obsessive love disorder has been linked to other mental health disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and borderline personality disorder. It generally indicates a fixation on another person as if they are a possession or object. Delusional jealousy- when a person's obsessions cause them to develop delusional beliefs about infidelity or other issues, is a distinct feature.
The prevalence of obsessive love in a study was conjectured as almost 18% of the population based on the group tested and concluded that an ambivalent attachment style significantly predicts obsessive love. Love in itself is not where the problem lies, but rather in the indecisive nature of people with this disorder. By looking at ways to increase emotional intelligence, a whole new and breathtakingly beautiful experience of love is within reach, without the obsession.
Self Love And Toxic Love Can’t Co-exist
Because you can never truly love someone unless you first love yourself, there are many forms of “love” that people experience that are less than satisfying or that don’t last. The infatuated, all-absorbing passion of limerance, puppy love, and crushes can look like love, but you know someone loves you when:
You trust each other.
You are accepted as you are, despite shortcomings or differences.
Empathizing is instinctual.
They want nothing but the best for you and celebrate your happiness joyfully.
Meaningful communication is the norm.
They usually actively listen, remembering small details and they value your opinion.
You feel safe with them but they give you space.
The significant people in their lives have been introduced to you.
They are themselves around you.
Their whole countenance lightens up when you’re around.
Quality time with you is always in their diary and they sometimes do surprising and thoughtful things for you.
Plans for the future are discussed.
They say “I love you” and mean it.
People who have embraced self-love are often the people who fill the world with love. They will love people who don’t love themselves too, but understand the importance of boundaries. There’s a difference between having love for a person and jumping into a toxic relationship, boots and all.
While every single item on the above list is seldom present all the time, toxic love- with its physical, mental, or emotional abuse, often involves potentially harmful behaviors such as shame, manipulation, and emotional blackmail. It’s often a form of control and suggests that the other person simply isn’t good enough as they are.
People with a healthy self-image do occasionally fall prey to predators who often wear masks to cloak their intentions. It's not love if you suddenly start seeing yourself as a lesser person because someone keeps reminding you that you are.
Crushing Limerance
Neither obsession nor addiction is love. As compelling as the intensity of love like Romeo and Juliet felt because they couldn’t be together, the forbidden nature is part of it. While risky intimate encounters add an almost irresistible edge, love will still be around long after the orgasms if it was there to begin with.
When a goal seems unattainable, it can turn into a challenge, but when the chase goes on despite there being no hope- or rhyme or reason except the goal itself, limerence is not love. While Tennov found that the sexual desires of her interviewees were overshadowed by their desire for their beloved to contact them, invite them out, and reciprocate their passion, the unobtainable nature of the goal is what makes the feeling so powerful.
The 4 stages of limerence are:
Attraction: There’s a spark and the thrill is intense.
Obsession: Longings and fantasies about a future together prevail. Flaws and red flags go unnoticed.
Elation and frustration: As the relationship falls apart, anger and resentment arise as low self-esteem can combine with anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts, or low self-esteem as the person doesn’t reciprocate feelings or give the same level of attention.
Resolution: Passion dies down and feelings fade away gradually.
Trauma that causes limerence
Limerence arises from childhood trauma. Abandonment or neglect could contribute and it has been associated with PTSD and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Working through the symptoms that manifest from trauma, healing is possible.
Love and Limerance
Haddaway’s pleas- “Baby, don’t hurt me,” may resonate with the lover, but the object of their affections may be the ones getting hurt in the process. The unfulfilled longing of limerance isn’t something to wish on anyone. Humans need and deserve love. Love means loving someone, flaws and all.
Limerent people are unable to see the whole person and idealize the person they are “in love” with. Unrequited love pursued causes pain to the lover and the beloved. Limerance is neither love nor lovely.
Love is a blessing to be shared, not demanded or expected. And never taken. It just doesn’t work that way.
Comments