Did you ever look at yourself in a mirror, horrified to see your parent staring back? As memories flood in of the harm they caused during their lives, the palpable fear of becoming the person who caused you pain is a disturbing reminder of the devastating effect the trauma had on your life. And you never wanted to be that person.
“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster...
for when you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
Friedrich W Nietzsche
Generational Trauma
Parents are fighting their own demons, like everyone else. Still, when their battle spills over into the lives of their children, it's intensely personal and cuts deeply into the soul of the child. This often perpetuates the pain of trauma and burdens the child with paying for the sins of the fathers- or at least the events of their lives the parent sees as sins, and that remain unresolved issues within the parent that affect their children. This is how generational trauma often affects several generations.
But there are different types of generational trauma, all arising from a traumatic event or events experienced by one member of the family. These include :
Historical trauma:
A sub-type, historical trauma is the collective devastation of the past that continues to affect populations in the present through inter-generational transmission. Ancestral suffering- collected throughout generations, manifests as vulnerability to mental and physical health problems. It is a legacy of disability that consists of three elements:
A traumatic event
A resulting collective suffering
A multigenerational impact of the trauma
Collective trauma:
Psychological and emotional trauma experienced by communities and identity groups carried forward as part of the group's collective memory and shared sense of identity, for example, the trauma experienced by Jewish Holocaust survivors, often presents later as stress, anxiety, or PTSD, and influences close family of those who experienced trauma as a community.
Intergenerational trauma:
Non-genetic (epigenetic) changes that occur that can be linked to a traumatic event experienced by a parent.
Transgenerational Trauma:
Consequences are seen in offspring when trauma indirectly affects eggs or sperm. Transgenerational trauma emanates from collective trauma and impacts groups of people. It is not generally applied to individuals who experience trauma such as child abuse.
Both intergenerational trauma and transgenerational trauma have serious consequences that can result in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which emerges in the the person who experienced the event and is transferred to members of subsequent generations.
Generational trauma is the psychological and emotional wounds accumulated over time that are then transferred to future generations.
Military Members, Security Forces, And The Effect Of Trauma On Their Families
Transgenerational trauma- often seen as secondary trauma when it affects the family members, affects everyone in the family. Family trees or genograms can provide insight into hereditary patterns. It is frequently used when assessing military personnel but not all military personnel pass down intergenerational trauma.
People involved in conflict- who have seen or participated in abusive acts of violence, have been found to pass their trauma to their children and/or spouses, impacting the whole family unit. The former has been found to suffer from behavioral disturbances. Hyperactivity, aggression, anxiety, and delinquency have been observed in children whose parent was diagnosed with PTSD although spouses and partners of military veterans can- with the right support and guidance, help to buffer the effects of the transmission of trauma.
Spouses or partners of people experiencing PTSD or wartime combat stress reaction (CSR) often experience increased psychiatric symptoms, including feelings of loneliness and the effects of impaired relationships within the family unit and marriage. Avoidance of thoughts and other behaviors and emotions such as unwanted cognitions and images reminding them of the negative experiences of their spouse or partner are common. Symptoms such as depression and anxiety are passed down to the spouse in this way.
The tragic side-effect of conflicts or wars is the family unit itself. When the person engaged in conflict- usually the father, is unable to cope with the effects of trauma, and the spouse- usually the mother, is simultaneously dealing with secondary trauma, the children have little hope of escaping the trauma.
Toxic Masculinity And Trauma
Toxic masculinity often arises from and results in trauma in a never-ending cycle- unless someone finds the courage to look within themselves and do things differently. Until then, damaged people will continue to damage others.
“If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves,
it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasures of illusion.”
Aldous Huxley
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with masculinity or traditional masculinity. Toxic masculinity is a completely different animal. Some examples of toxic masculinity
Being brave and courageous is admirable. Pretending to be brave because your father's voice in your head still says, "Big boys don't cry" is neither brave nor courageous. It's a fake image that hides and distorts who the real person is.
As a boy, being told that you are being a girl in a derisive, nasty way- just because you want to do normal things like cook or be supportive of a partner sends a clear message that owning your authentic self is not an option.
“You are such a wimp,” is an insulting way to break down another person and make them feel ashamed.
Yet every one of these bullying tactics is used by so-called traditional fathers regularly. And it is passed on from generation to generation, despite being an abusive way to teach a child. Therein lies the key: the person subjected to the trauma of abuse becomes the abuser.
Shamed into being someone who they are not, many men tend to externalize the effects of trauma through anger, rage, and violence, giving shame-based responses to comments, interactions, and experiences to protect themselves from feeling hurt, sad, or embarrassed. The fear of not being whatever version of “a man” they have been conditioned into thinking is appropriate means toxic masculinity prevails to hide the fears.
Fathers are not exclusively to blame and society disseminates the same message. Real men are portrayed as emotionally distant tough guys in the media, and many women profess a secret weakness for bad guys. Until they get abused- then it's different.
In a world where being swept off your feet has- sadly, become unfashionable, many men struggle to find their identity hidden under generations of male toxicity. The rules for men- once clearly defined, are now far more complicated, much like their relationships. “Happy wife, happy life,” once a strategy for a peaceful marriage has effectively turned many wives into users and abusers. Surely “Happy spouse, happy house” is a better option.
But shame cannot heal shame. Getting to what lies behind the fears, trauma is often the cause. Ironically, men who were shamed into being “real mean” are ill-equipped to admit to weakness, and simply cannot reach out for help. They do not know how.
Research links traditional masculinity to mental health, concluding that men who conform to conventional norms are likelier to have poor mental health outcomes and are significantly less likely to seek help. Between the fears and the fear of looking for help (perceived as a weakness) lies immense pain that turns good men into angry bulls or gibbering idiots.
It is surely lunacy to think that because someone was unkind to you, dumping the same toxicity will somehow remove it from your system. The path to healing lies in healing the symptoms that have emerged from trauma.
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving,
and that’s your own self.”
Aldous Huxley
Intergenerational Trauma
Intergenerational trauma was first recognized in the children of Holocaust survivors. Trauma symptoms can manifest in multiple ways, and research on the Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma indicates that fathers’ adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), but not the mothers', were associated with worse family health. The positive childhood experiences (PCEs) of both parents are linked to better family health.
Generally the designated head of the household traditionally, the father sets the tone and the rules. While this is changing as more men embrace their Emotional Intelligence (EQ), there is a long way to go for many to find ways to heal their inner child and forgive their parents. More often than not, their parents were also dealing with trauma- which is how intergenerational trauma takes hold and becomes the norm.
Signs Of Generational Trauma
Much like PTSD, the signs that generational trauma is playing a negative role in your life play out in symptoms. These are like messages that keep getting repeated, only the messages keep getting louder. What starts as an insignificant interference- a whisper, when ignored, leads to an overwhelming overarching obstacle to enjoying life.
Warning signs of generational trauma include:
You avoid particular situations without any obvious reason.
You are often inexplicably anxious and constantly assessing potential threats around you.
You mistrust people, even people you know to be trustworthy.
Alcohol or drug abuse has become your pain reliever.
Denial sets in as you turn facts into your own version of fiction.
You find yourself overcompensating for your fears by being aggressive without provocation. Irritable and angry outbursts become commonplace.
Shame, helplessness, and self-esteem are all common features of generational trauma. These are all ways that people can make you feel that help them to control you. Sometimes they genuinely love you and want the best for you, but their own trauma makes it impossible to communicate this in a healthy way. Their fear of losing you manifests as control.
Ignoring the messages leads to louder ones. The signs that generational trauma may be the cause of the symptoms include:
A fear of death or no hope for the future.
Anxiety and panic attacks start occurring.
You feel sad yet numb and are unable to experience love or joy.
You start being the perpetrator of domestic violence or sexual abuse.
As the struggle continues, without help, things can get worse. This may include serious signs of generational trauma such as:
Feeling disconnected from family, friends, or the community.
Persistent feelings of anxiety and depression.
Flashbacks or nightmares related to traumatic events experienced by fathers and forefathers.
Difficulties forming and maintaining relationships.
PTSD symptoms appear.
At some point- hopefully, sooner rather than later, listening to the messages is the only option. Reaching out for help may be the best thing you can ever do for yourself- and your past and future family and relationships, by breaking the generational trauma cycle.
How To Break Generational Trauma
Carl Jung said, “ We don’t really heal anything, we simply let it go.”
But it’s a bit more complicated to get to the point of being ready to let go. The good news is that many people have broken the profound and complex cycle of generational trauma. The other good news is that the healing process holds many mysteries and unexpected discoveries that enhance your life, but it takes commitment and work to overcome and all the people involved- even the bitterest enemies, make it a more fruitful exercise.
Treat yourself and others with compassion, recognizing that everyone has their own flaws. Compassion and understanding are key to implementing generational trauma healing strategies which could include:
Read and learn, then read and learn some more.
Put a label on it: Identify the trauma as well as the ways it has affected your family and others around you.
Once you have identified your trauma, accept it, understanding that one day you will look back and see it as a life lesson that helped you grow.
Listen to others and acknowledge the influence that past events have had on your family. Allow yourself to empathize with them.
Communicate effectively
Keep track of the progress made and acknowledge it.
Find out what forgiveness means to you. Forgive yourself and others.
Take regular social time out. Engage in the activities you enjoyed before- even if (especially if) you don't feel like it.
Seek professional guidance. Therapies available include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and the Intergenerational Trauma Treatment Model.
Techniques to manage generational trauma as you heal and deal with triggers:
Remember that recovery takes time. Be kind to yourself and others.
Prioritize self-care
Practice mindfulness and meditation.
Find grounding or centering techniques that work for you.
Physical exercise improves your health and mood and also leads to better mental health
Reach out to others and build or rebuild a solid support network
Try meditative practices or guided meditation.
Reach out to other people. Re-engaging in life means connecting to other human beings. And many will be happy to help.
To pave the way for a healthier and more hopeful future, it all starts with just one step.
Traumatic Events Can Lead To Happy Outcomes
“Things are sweeter when they're lost.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald
While Fitzgerald may not have been referring to the sins of the fathers, it's an accurate description of the feeling we experience when we unhitch ourselves from generational trauma or toxic masculinity, keeping the good family memories intact.
Life is sweeter when we let go of the pain that we cling to, the poison that paralyzes our lives and kills our joy.
Healing from trauma often means defining yourself outside the family (without necessarily separating from them) and rebuilding your life at the same time. Purpose and meaning become deeply personal concepts. Unbundled from the identity as defined by a pain-filled family can be a daunting prospect as you redefine who you are and find your authentic identity. You will see yourself in the mirror- your authentic self. He was in you all along.
As for the pain-ridden old you, just let go.
Note from gezinta: Healing is a process. If you or someone you know if suffering from the effects of trauma, please get help. Toughing it out, pulling yourself together, or blindly heading in the wrong direction can be rectified by getting the right help at the right time (Now is the right time). Therapists, life coaches, and and other professionals are available online or in person. Please reach out to them.
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