We are born free spirits. Five seconds later, scared and hungry, we’re screaming for love and food, but not necessarily in that order. After spending a year or so getting everyone to scurry around to meet our needs just by using the occasional howl or cute look, the free spirit emerges in the terrible twos, only to crash into a wall called discipline.
Being a free spirit takes some adjusting to the world. As we grow, we live and learn, figuring out who we are, how we fit in, and what the meaning of our life could possibly be, along the way. And how to balance the inner free spirit we got at birth with the discipline to do real-world stuff like- putting a roof over our heads. Eat occasionally, exercise some restraint in connecting with others, and do stuff like that. This is where the ability to be labile could actually be useful.
The Labile Mood And Affect
Defined by the American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology – the source already being a red flag, as “highly variable, suddenly shifting emotional expression,” it’s not exactly regarded as a positive quality with research pointing towards emotional instability characterized by rapid and dramatic mood swings and lumping it with antisocial and behavioral disorders.
Seen as a liability, emotional lability often manifests in people with personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), yet many people who regard themselves as reasonably mentally healthy or at least not completely in the deep end experience the ups and downs of mood swings and feelings that vacillate regularly. Have you ever laughed till you cried?
Usually a symptom of an underlying condition such as brain injury, mental health conditions, dementia, Parkinson's disease, or stroke, the labile affect- it’s good to know, doesn’t stand alone. When accompanied by other symptoms, it can be a sign of something unfriendly.
Some experts say it should be ignored as much as possible and we should try to to not reinforce the behaviour. Their paper says,
“It is important that other people don't laugh too,
as this will also reinforce and increase the behavior."
I'm not joking because if I do, I may laugh, and you may too, and apparently, that's not cool. But seriously, when the labile affect presents itself with other concerning factors, it should be taken seriously and the research that uses the line delivers meaningful information about understanding emotional lability and is worth reading.
For everyone else, laughing uncontrollably is a pretty healthy thing to do. Just ask anyone who ever took a laughter yoga class. Balance and moderation, it seems, are the keys no matter who you are, what burdens you carry, or how free your spirit is or isn't.
The Free Spirit
Closer to labilers than labelers, free spirits embrace their core beings and intuitively understand the intrinsic connection they have with the world around them with the ebb and flow of energy. Free as a bird, a free spirit isn't limited by social or other conventions, feeling, doing, and interacting in ways that fulfill them and bring them joy. But it's not that simple, as demonstrated in this Oscar Wilde quote:
"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their life a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
- Oscar Wilde
Humans are a sum of their parts, molded by the opinions, behaviors, and perspectives of others, starting from the moment we are born. Often we do, see, and think the socially acceptable thing, or tap into our family values to find ways to live. One child of a narcissist mother- her golden child, may turn out to be a psychopath, while the other- the scapegoat, is a well-trained empath, but struggles to have empathy for the one person that matters: themselves.
They both interact with the world as they have been taught, and it works for a while. The psychopath will continue to think the sun goes down when they sit, caring little about the devastation behind them, until one day they look back and see there's nothing but darkness. Some may be fortunate enough to accept the consequences and grow enough emotional intelligence to find authentic happiness that control of others can never deliver.
Like hippies, the masters at being a free spirit, empaths, and others with free-spirited hearts tend to embrace joy and honesty, using altruism, mysticism, and nonviolence as their guide. They revel in just being.
Then reality hits. The world expects us to work for a living, to pay our way while we're beating our own path. With the added responsibilities, we need to figure out how to people, events, and things that disturb our equilibrium, taking away the famous inner peace of the free spirit.
Sometimes genuine freedom - as one of the original hippies, Janis Joplin sings, is just another word for nothing left to lose. When we have no need for material things, or lose everything, we are unburdened from the ways of the world, unshackled from any externals, we are truly ourselves, stripped down to the core.
But then being a free spirit looks a lot less than what we hoped for. Only by using our intelligence can we gain the emotional intelligence to find the freedom to be who we really, truly are. And not just survive, but thrive.
Intelligence And Emotional Intelligence
What is intelligence?
Born with the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills, human beings like to think their intelligence sets them apart. It may be so on land, but the high intelligence of orcas, their complex social structures, communication skills, and problem-solving abilities make them worthy contenders for the most intelligent being in the ocean, arguably on Earth.
A score obtained on one of several different standardized tests to measure intelligence, an intelligence quotient (IQ) is sometimes an indication of giftedness and is occasionally used in recruitment. Also known as conventional intelligence, many think just looking at IQ is too narrow. It’s also commonly known that success does not automatically follow people with a high IQ rating.
Using conventional intelligence, the strategic hunting methods of orcas match that of humans, but they don’t need to go hunting in cages or protected vehicles. They’ve never heard of canned hunting and seldom attach humans, choosing to swim around us and observe, perhaps learning or trying to understand us.
The average orca male is about 6 to 8 meters (20 to 26ft) long- compared with the average 1.7m (5’8’) human male, and weighs over 6 tonnes, compared with an 80 kg (180 lb) average man. An orca could decimate us in a second, just because it can, but chooses not to. Researchers don’t know enough yet, but perhaps it understands our emotions and that may be an indication of its emotional intelligence.
What is emotional intelligence?
Also known as emotional quotient (EQ), emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your own emotions and the emotions of others and groups, using and managing your own emotions in positive ways. Developing emotional intelligence leads to more productive and successful outcomes. at what they do, and helps others become more productive and successful too.
The benefits of emotional intelligence include:
By moderating conflict, it reduces stress- for individuals and therefore organizations.
Promotes understanding and relationships.
Fosters stability, continuity, and harmony.
Strongly links with concepts of love and spirituality.
A question that arises is whether people are born with high EQ or if it can be learned. While some are more gifted than others by nature, emotional intelligence skills can be learned and increase with age. Improving your EQ needs personal motivation, extensive practice, sometimes unwelcome feedback, and finding ways to reinforce new skills.
Bob Marley sang:
“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.”
Author and science journalist, Danial Goleman took this a step further when he said:
“If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”
We need emotional intelligence to unlock intelligence. A little- or a lot, of introspection may be required.
Getting Control Over Emotions
To be a truly free spirit, you have to free your heart and mind. Instead of going through, over, or around the mountain, it's sometimes easier to just veer off in a completely different direction. Maybe that mountain didn’t need conquering. That's called avoidance and the mountain of emotions will linger, sometimes quietly, usually with the vigor of a newborn's cry, until we can find ways to control them.
When you’re stuck in freeze mode, frozen in time as you struggle to figure out the world or your next steps in it (a particularly debilitating feature of PTSD), it’s far easier to put your head in the sand like an ostrich and hope it will all go away.
Strategies to control your emotions
Identify triggers: Although it's not always possible to stay away from stressful situations, when you know what triggers you it makes it easier to find ways to deal with potentially harmful interactions. Once you know your triggers, you have the control: Avoid triggering moments, or better still, manage them.
Connect with nature: Nature grounds us and connects us to the stars simultaneously. There's nothing like considering the vastness of the sky or the depth of the ocean to put our problems into perspective.
Look at the impact of your emotions: Self-awareness entails a certain amount of awareness of our actions on ourselves and others.
Not all intense emotions are bad: Leaning into emotions is part of fully embracing life. You will connect the experience of listening to a song to how you felt about what you were doing when you heard it before or how the song made you feel, making it meaningful and magical.
Regulation, not repression is the goal: Find ways to manage negative emotions.
Understand that emotions can't be controlled by a device: While watching a movie or reading the news may bring out emotion, unlike the emotion, the device can be dialed down or switched off. Figure out how to keep a balance between loud, soft, and off emotions.
Put a label on your feelings: If it's a Labile mood, own it (or see someone about it). By identifying emotions, they can be embraced or managed.
Accept all your emotions, good and bad: They are the sum of the parts that make up who you are. Don’t invalidate that, but do decide what no longer serves your higher self.
Know when to express yourself: A little self-control goes a long way. Bottling up anger sometimes leads to dumping it on the wrong people, leaving you with remorse. Similarly, missed opportunities to engage in meaningful conversation are often regretted.
Stay active: Even walking up stairs rather than taking the lift produces feel-good endorphins. Exercise can lift your mood as it lifts your ego. Dance when you're sad, even when you're alone, and especially when you're alone.
Manage stress: Denting physical and mental health, stress can be a killer if you don’t recognize and manage it.
Techniques to manage emotions
Practice mindfulness and include meditation
Use deep breathing techniques frequently
Practice centering yourself or using grounding techniques
Master emotion regulation techniques.
Engage in journaling and look back through your notes occasionally to congratulate yourself on how far you’ve come, or get reminders of things you wanted to try but forgot about.
Keep a mood journal or sew, knit, or crochet a mood blanket.
Take deep breaths whenever you can, breathing out the negative and inhaling the positive.
Be grateful for everything- the blessings you have and those on the way to you.
Reach out to family, friends, and anyone who may be around.
Smile because when you smile at someone you may just brighten their day, and when they return the smile, the value of connecting with another human can change your day, sometimes your life.
Give yourself some space either to gather your thoughts or to get distance at least temporarily.
Do something nice for yourself.
Above all, seek support and talk with a therapist when you aren't coping with emotions.
How To Improve EQ Emotional Intelligence
Getting control over emotions does not entail ignoring them- that’s not a smart thing to do. But it is a step towards better emotional intelligence. By taking responsibility for yourself and your actions- an important part of being an adult, and facing the consequences of those actions, you can find ways to heal yourself and find inner peace without nagging thoughts about “shoulda, woulda, coulda.”
Self-evaluate frequently and welcome constructive criticism. Introspect rather than ruminate and cultivate patience, kindness, flexibility, and positivity. Find experts whose words resonate with you such as:
By consuming every valuable piece of advice and information, you will find new ways to interact with the world even if you score high on the Mensa International IQ test. Imagine the envelopes you could push can use your natural talents and intelligence in an emotionally intelligent way.
The Disciplined Free Spirit Is Free, Not Labile
Discipline follows not only emotional intelligence, but also attaches to the heart of the free spirit who can look at themselves with love, flaws, and all, and acknowledge that they are worthy of success and happiness. It's too easy to brush aside working towards a better future when you don't believe with all your heart that you deserve it.
Without the mood swings of the labile affect and by embracing emotional intelligence as a tool to unlock your vast capabilities, the world can truly be your oyster. The pearls within give you the freedom to be free. Retaining a labile mood every now and then may not be such a bad thing.
Have the courage to be happy, to live and love freely, to embrace being you. Even to laugh uncontrollably sometimes. See yourself as good enough and find ways to feel good. The last word goes to the free-spirited Janis Joplin:
“Feelin' good was good enough for me.”
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