How A Miscarriage Affects The Children Born After A Miscarriage
Miscarriages are tragic and the grief felt by a mother who loses a child is immeasurable. The depression that follows can complicate postpartum depression after the live birth of the next child. But sometimes, it's the child born next who bears the consequences- much like the children of Lauren Dickason, the South African mother who calmly murdered her three young children in New Zealand.
Some children pay for their mother's grief not by losing their lives, but by living their lives- an act of defiance in their mother's eyes. One that does not go unpunished as subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that they did not deserve to be the one that lived follow them, sometimes into adulthood, even long after the mother has departed from this world.
The Dickason Murders From The Perspective Of The Dickason Children
Dickason's case is widely reported in the media. Still, there is little about the horrific experience of the 2-year-old twins Maya and Kayla or 6-year-old Liané, who was aware enough to negotiate with her mother- and who she had watched murder her sister, Kayla, knowing she was next. Dickason justified Kayla's murder by saying she “did her first” because the two-year-old had recently been "really horrible" to her.
Liané the oldest girl. was reported to be angry- but it is likely the anger was mixed with fear and horror, asking her mother why she was doing this to them. She even told Dickason she was the best mum and told her mother she loved her. Her pleas fell on deaf ears. Dickason had got these girls to make their own nooses with cable ties earlier, and simply tightened them, and then finished the job by smothering each one to death by asphyxiation. One by one, the mother watched her children as they labored to breathe their final breaths.
No child deserves that.
Mothers Who Murder Their Children
The murders of the Dickason children are regarded as an extreme case of postpartum depression, with several underlying causes, but her previous miscarriages were not directly linked to the murders in court. The focus was on presenting an insanity defense based on clinically diagnosed postpartum depression- a debilitating disorder that affects far too many women who fortunately don't murder their children.
Similar to the American mother Andrea Yates who murdered her five children, Dickason also suffered from mental illness and post-partum depression and both women had professionally accomplished husbands (and lived better than most) but killed the children while the husbands were not at home. Both women had also previously experienced miscarriages.
For most, none of these reasons justify the murders. But it is important to note that justice means that the perpetrator's circumstances matter when meting out punishment. Justice can never change the final moments of the murdered children, nor can it bring them back to life. Justice requires that people are treated equitably and fairly, taking into account a person's factual circumstances. It is perpetrator-centric, not victim-centric.
Infanticide and maternal filicide, the killing of a child by a mother, is nothing new. It has been around for centuries, as has justice. But justice in the 21st century leans deeper into human rights and places greater emphasis on the rights of the perpetrators of crime than it did before and it is debatable whether current punishments are just to the victims, or to potential future victims of the same perpetrator or others who do not regard a particular punishment as a deterrent. Research into the link between miscarriages and murder is also lacking. This puts more children at risk.
Miscarriages And Subsequent Motherhood
It’s not fair to lose a child. The sadness of what would have been, what could have been clouds the mother’s world. The consequences for mental health after a pregnancy loss are often underestimated. Anxiety, stress, and symptoms of depression are common outcomes of miscarriages. The study notes that the protective factors that help prevent depression, anxiety, and perinatal grief are:
– A high standard of education
– Non-immigrant women
– Good conjugal relations
– Satisfaction with healthcare received
Few, if any women who have miscarried escape the grief of losing a child. It is a traumatic experience. A 2016 study indicates that four in ten women experienced PTSD symptoms within three months after a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Poor maternal mental health has an immediate and long-term effect on women’s well-being and as a result, affects their children’s health and development.
Grief may also be complicated by other reasons- the baby may have been a son whereas the mother only has daughters, it may have been the child of a man she loves deeply and feels she has disappointed- or it puts her at risk of losing the man. Or it could be a girl child who could have lived out her mother's fantasies.
There are many reasons why a mother's hopes and dreams may have been in the child, but control lies at the heart of some of these reasons and it may not be a coincidence that Lauren Dickason was known as somewhat of a control freak, insisting on having the best house, the best everything. Dr Simone McLeavey, a consultant psychiatrist at Hillmorton Hospital where Dickason was admitted filed a report with the court in which she said there was no indication Dickason killed her children “out of love”, but that it was more of a manifestation of “control” and not wanting them to be mothered by another woman.
Defense witness Dr. Susan Hatters-Friedman, an expert on filicide, told the court that killing one's own children "out of love" was one of five common motives for the act, usually in the belief that, by killing them, the murdering parent is saving them from a worse fate- hence controlling the outcome of the life of the child. It is this control of the children’s lives by a woman who is suffering from the harrowing effects of a lost pregnancy- often complicated by prior depressive episodes (Dickason was first diagnosed with depression at age 15) or other factors, that can debilitate or destroy the child who survives in the pregnancy that follows.
The compromised mental health of the mother often remains the cross that is born by children born later- the so-called “rainbow babies.”
Rainbow Babies: Babies Born After A Miscarriage
Born in the midst of their mother’s storm, rainbow babies are babies born after a miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, stillbirth, or neonatal death. They represent a bright light of hope in the form of a rainbow, but their mother’s joy is tainted by lingering grief, and strong feelings of anxiety, guilt, and even fear.
Why did this child deserve to live and my other did not? It’s an impossible question- both deserved to live, associating the death of one child with the life of another can never be healthy- for the mother or the rainbow baby who may live with the disquieting thought that they are not worthy in their mother’s eyes.
What if I lose this child too? Unable to see past the trauma of the previous loss, mothers of rainbow babies can also be unable to see past their own needs, and consider the newborn as most parents would- a blessing to be loved and cared for, not a possession to be owned or lost.
These questions raise barriers to healthy mother-child bonding, creating a further level of consequences the mother and child will both have to bear. There is a pot of gold at the end for rainbow babies, but their journey to find it is long and arduous. The path begins with understanding the background of their suffering.
Barriers To Bonding With A Rainbow Baby
267 French pregnant women who had previously experienced a miscarriage participated in a study on the experience of miscarriage and its impact on prenatal attachment during the following pregnancy, focussing on prenatal attachment- the relationship between a parent and fetus related to cognitive and emotional abilities to conceptualize another human being. The researchers found that factors such as anxiety during pregnancy and childbirth increase the probability of developing a bond disorder.
A further study on mother-infant bonding recognized the emotional bond that a mother senses with her infant is essential to their social, emotional, and cognitive development. Of 420 postpartum mothers (not specifically those who had previously experienced miscarriages) who participated in the study:
12.6% risked mother-infant bond difficulties between mother and an infant.
8.1% risked rejection and pathological anger.
3.6% risked infant-focused anxiety.
1.9% risked incipient abuse of an infant.
Maternal depression status plays a major role. A non-union marital status (being a single parent), being a government employee, having current pregnancy complications, being a non-breastfeeding mother, having a substance use history, and social support were also statistically significant factors for mother-infant bonding.
When children don't form an attachment relationship with a trusted adult in infancy, they can go on to develop a series of emotional, behavioral, and social problems, called Reactive attachment disorder (RAD), often because of emotional neglect or abuse at an early age. The risks for rainbow babies whose mothers are struggling with their mental health are substantially higher.
Without one of their parents being available, children with RAD have trouble managing their emotions, and a sometimes life-long struggle begins for a child who goes on to struggle to form meaningful connections with other people.
Rarely seeking or showing signs of comfort, children with RAD may seem fearful of or anxious around their caretakers, despite their caretakers being loving and caring. In the case of rainbow babies, they may be further broken down by their sunshine baby siblings.
A rainbow baby is a baby born after the loss of a child. Sunshine babies are children born before a loss. Without being forced to carry their mother's burdens, sunshine babies enjoy life as most babies do- they are joyfully welcomed with love. Rainbow babies are at the other end of the scale, often becoming the black sheep of the family, with the siblings meting out the cruelest punishment: reminding the rainbow baby that they are not really a welcome family member and creating an illusionary sense of self-entitlement in the eyes of the sunshine baby.
It is the perfect storm that could create the classic sibling rivalry that appears in the children of a narcissistic mother: a “golden child” who develops psychopathic tendencies, and a “scapegoat,” who becomes an empath. Often excessively so, having been well-trained to constantly stand down to consider the wants and needs of other family members, ignoring their own.
Despite the bonding disorder, empaths- far better than others, understand the quote:
“Nothing can dim the light that shines from within.”
– Maya Angelou
But sometimes it’s hard to remember that...
Hope For Rainbow Babys: Hurt People Often Shine The Brightest
There is little one can do when faced with the no-win situation of a mother grieving for a lost child facing off against a child neglected in her grief. The pain sears through them both. Hard though it may be, it often takes a simple act to melt away years of pain and conflict. Despite that the rainbow baby has done no wrong, asking their mother to forgive them may be the most courageous thing they will ever do. Recognizing that being forgiven for being you- for surviving, mother and child can begin to forge a new, healthy relationship.
Rainbows are often found in the eye of a storm. With rainbow babies, the sun shining through the falling rain or ice crystals in the stratosphere creates the rainbow, and their lives are a reflection of the dark storms and the constant light that is just out of reach. Perhaps that’s how it’s meant to be.
When your role in the family is being the nuclear dumping zone, your voice is shut down, and the needs and wants of others always take precedence over yours, finding your identity- and your voice within your family, can be a challenge. The Dickason and Yates rainbow children's lives were cruelly snatched from them. If you are a rainbow baby, there is much to be grateful for.
The American Pregnancy Association defines rainbow babies as symbolizing "hope, healing, and something beautiful after a dark and turbulent time,..much like the rainbow's symbol of promise and light."
It is in the light that your identity emerges. The light within has always shone for others. Shine it within- on your own identity. There is nothing quite as beautiful as the clarity and crispness after the rain. Own it.
PS:
How To Deal With The Conflicting Emotions Of Giving Birth To A Child After A Miscarriage
The advice for a mother who delivers a child after a miscarriage would best be described as treating the child as any other welcome newborn. But it's not that simple when mental health is compromised by a miscarriage.
Most mothers want their children to grow up as healthy, happy human beings. By focusing on this end result while working towards your own healing, a mother giving birth to a child after a miscarriage should:
1. Recognize that the child is an individual, separate from the child that was lost.
2. Practice Gratitude. Being thankful for a living, breathing child is a better option than the despair associated with grief.
3. Get support: Whether it is from a partner, family member, close friend, or health worker, processing emotions while dealing with the demands of a newborn is a challenge. It takes a village to raise a child.
4. Talk to women who have experienced a similar loss.
5. Be kind to yourself- healing is a process and will take time.
6. Enjoy every tiny aspect of the new life you hold in your hands, and celebrate even the tiniest milestones.
Rainbow Baby Day is on 22 August. Celebrate the day, the person your baby turned out to be, and yourself on this day.
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